FIRST PERSON W% erican Hedonis BY E.J. HALEY I here is an aspect to the oft unspoken, but intrin- sic gay-male pursuit of pleasure as the highest and chief good in life that is unique- ly American, I think - our capac- ity to craft a moral justification out of sheer denial of the truth of our nature. While assigning this quality to the virtue of being American is a complete generalization based only on opinion, it is fair to say that gay people, men more especially, in nations neighboring ‘and abroad are on the whole more honest about this pursuit than the people I tend to meet in the gay community here at home. The LGBT community in this country exists within a population whose apparent, increasing willingness to so- cially accept homosexuality is juxtaposed with a moral objec- tion which, like the ocean tide, ebbs and flows with the politi- cal undercurrent of the time. The long-term result of this paradox is a social conditioning that leaves many of us, myself included, with an inherent need to think of ourselves as better than we are. Ergo, being gay is acceptable as long as we con- ‘ fine ourselves to certain main- stream moral principles - never mind that homosexuality, argu- ably by its nature, defies the blanketing mythos from which those principles are drawn. In exploring this subject with contemporaries in Canada, the U.K. and northern Europe, the picture that emerges in my mind of the community out- side of this American paradox is one that is motivated by a more open and liberal accep- o tance of human sexuality as a biologically driven condition, absent of - or at least less con- stricted.by — moral imposition. “So, you're saying mo- nogamy is over-rated,” you might be asking? Columnist Wayne Besen, au- thor of Anything But’Stra12ght: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth, wrote in a recent column for Advocate magazine, “Just as straight men go to strip joints because they like the artistic mastery of erotic dancing and gay men go to bathhouses because they enjoy the mu- » sic if we can’t be honest with ourselves,_how can we be truthful with others?” There is simply no tallying how many times have I seen, “not into hookups, bars or clubs,” written into gay person- al profiles. Heck, I've probably .written the same thing in my own personal ads a few times - and yes, I too have become part of that information-age revolution seeking a broader base of networking through Internet personals. Well what do you expect? I’ve been single for going on seven years! Come to think of it, the subject of this column is probably not going to help that situation any. There are those who value and accept the intrinsic he- donism of the gay community. And then there are others who, like myself at various points in my life, often driven by some relationship or hookup experience that leaves us jaded, decide all of sudden that we're above shallow pursuits. And yet if the moment and op- portunity presents itself, we find ourselves given right back over to our lust for attention. The only separation here is that those of us who find ourselves in the latter situation attempt, often with blazing hypocrisy, to deny that we are overall driven by our basest desires when itgcomes to sexu- ality, and not by moral principle. While not exclusively? o, I have come to believe that such de- nial is a greatly American virtue. As I watch the years of my “gay youth” pass wearlly into memory, I have come to accept my own hedonistic nature, in spite of my genuine but sometimes misplaced desire to be above moral re- proach. Because after all, the question of such reproach relies on whose moral defini- tion we accept for ourselves. As for me, I accept that my sexuality is driven neither by emotion nor morality - it is bio- logical. And where my search for a meaningful relationship is concerned, I can only hope to temper that acceptance with a wholesome embrace of the emotions that might, for me, eventually lead to a desire to be faithful to one partner. Let love - and not moral explication - be the inspira- tion for fidelity, I say. Tem- per your sexuality with the virtue of being a caring but altogether honest person. My sexuality does not define who I am as a person, but its motivations are something I have come to accept about myself. That may not make me the most morally upright person in others’ regard, but then how many of those people are truly adhering to the moral principles they would seek to impose on me? V ’ E.J. Haley is an artist and E a writer living just over the border of Vermont in nearby Granville, NY. To send feedback on this column to the author, write to ej@ mountainpridemediaorg. 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