i



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REVIEW BY
ROBERT WILLIAM WOLFF

his is as much an introduc-
tion of Richard A. Isay,
MD, to those unfamiliar
with him, as itis a review of
his latest book. Author of Be-
ing Homosexual, Becoming
‘Gay, and now, Commitment
and Healing, Isay has made
significant contributions to gay
men’s understanding of them-
selves and their experience of
those around them over the
past several decades. The books,
taken together, not only show
,__tl_1e progression of a practicing

 

.r_-ftherapists own self-education,

if they are something of a progres-
sive revelation for gay males.
They are worth our attention.
Isay is way past the homo-
phobic swamp of questions
that the therapists who support
transformative therapies are
caught up in. Isay has not only
written about the failures of
therapies aimed at turning ho-
mosexuals into heterosexuals,
he had a major impact on the
shift of important psychologi-
cal societies in their policies on
homosexuality. The New York
psychotherapist seeks routes

to aiding gay men as they strive 7
g to live productive, emotionally

satisfying lives. As such, reading
Isay can start a transformation
for any gay man.

In his earlier books, Richard
Isay brings experience gleaned
from years of practicing therapy
With gay men, to ‘bear on issues
surrounding parents and gay_
men. Isay broke ground earlier
With reflections about whether
fathers of gay men are distant
from their gay sons because
they are inherently distant, or
because they reject the ways
their gay sons behave that are
different from their heterosexu-
al brothers. '

Now Isay has romantic love
On his mind. He has been help-
‘I18 gay men in his practice learn
$0 accept and love themselves
enough so they can stop actions
that end their potentially loving
relationships. He has learned
that because his patients have

had parents unable to provide

a loving environment for their
sons development, the gay men
unconsciously strive to dupli-
cate these unloving relation-
ships with men to whom they
are attracted. The pattern has
the men falling in love, being af-
fectionate and sexual for a time,
then taking steps to destroy

the relationship that gave them
temporary satisfaction. Because
the gay man believes himself

to be unlovable, he kills off the
romance before he himself can
be rejected.

“We need self-discipline to
give up our reliance on accus-
tomed pleasures that may have
eliminated our need for love,”
Isay writes. “We must make a
loving relationship the priority
in our life and devote the effort
and energy necessary to sustain

it. Paradoxically, only after

committing to another man and
becoming convinced that the re-
lationship with him is essential
to one’s happiness is it possible
to love one’s partner for his bad
as well as his good qualities (...)
It is his love that, over time, will
revise the way we experience
love and will ultimately change
the way we perceive ourselves,
others, and the World around
us.”

Isay’s therapeutic technique
includes acting as a loving, sup-
portive therapist and counselor,
even while the patient is reject-
ing this love. He has found that
after rejecting the therapist’s
support over time, the gay man
will come to accept the stead-
fast loving support, realize that
he is lovable and finally accept
the love of a gay man whom he
meets and starts a relationship
with. Isay cites numerous gay
men with whom he has per-
formed this therapy.

Perhaps most important, in
Commitment and Healing, Isay
lays the groundwork for poten-
tial education and training of '
thinking, progressive parents
as they seek to make easier
the lives of their lesbian and
gay children. The way parents
behave toward their gay sons
and lesbian daughters can cause

  tammitment and Healing

their children to believe that
they are unlovable. The thera-
pist hints at actions parents can
take as they help their gay sons
and lesbian daughters develop
self-esteem and their own ability
to love those who attract them
intellectually and sexually.

‘l.x\.R.lD \.,

 

Commitment and Healing:
Gay Men and the Need for
Romantic Love

by Richard A. Isay. MD".
2006, John Wiley & Sons
134 Pages

“Parents’ indifference to the
feelings of their homosexual
children or their outright rejection
of these children is caused by the
bias that still exists in our society,”
Isay writes. “Despite the gains
made over the last ten or twenty
years, we still have much to do to
achieve equality and acceptance;
this includes legalizing same-sex
marriages and integrating openly
gay men and women into the
military. Even when the time
does come when society is less
ambivalent, it will likely take
several generations for parental
attitudes to change so that the
unique feelings of gay children are
valued and not denied.” V

Robert William Wolff is a
E scenery and lighting de-
signer and potter who lives in
Randolph. He is an R.U.1.2?
board member and a volun-

teer for OITM.

AUGUST 2006 l out in the mountains

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