u

I was not who I am today. My
sexuality just seemed to work
itself into a lifestyle. I wasn’t
comfortable with having a
vise versa" sexual identity,

so I chose the easy road, the
one most traveled, or the only
road I was aware existed. I
have a healthy relationship
and a unique marriage, one
based on honesty, trust, open-
ness, and individual strength.
My husband has always
known about my sexual pref-
erences. Out of anyone I have
ever known, he has always
been undeniably accepting.

of it and has embraced me

for who I am, regardless of
my sexual split. He supports
me as a person and does not
deny me my right to think, do,
and choose for myself. We
think very much “outside the
box” as individuals, and as

a couple. Although we share
life together, we are unique
individuals who have our own
mind, heart, and life to nur-
ture. We build inner strength
together which allows us to
be stronger as individuals.

I can embrace myself now in
Ways I couldn’t do before. My
sexuality has not changed. I
have not chosen one over the
other. In the close-mindedness
of society maybe it seems I
have. I embrace what I have
While I have it. Tomorrow that
may change. What I know to
be certain is that I will love to
the best of my ability and give
to others only the best of me.
Boundaries in our lives do not
exist unless we create them.
Would I have done things differ-

ently if I was back then who I
am now? Without a doubt, but
I'm sure I'm not the first person
to feel that way. Do I follow be-
hind others’ footsteps to ensure
acceptance and a direct path?
I'm miles to the side of every-
one and my feet don't just walk
an unbeaten path, they dance.

I try to enhance the 1irnit—
less possibilities this life‘ has
for me. Admiring and desiring I
both men and women can cre-
ate intense emotionsand leave
a feeling of void at times. I
am still building and growing,
learning and expanding. Surely
as my life progresses, such

voids will work themselves
out in their own unique way.

I have a profound and genu-
ine love for the man in my life. I
appreciate that he contributes
to who I have become. He is
unique in how he views life and
respects mine. I am captivated
by a woman in my life who is
close to my heart. I adore her
and desire her completely. I
have much respect for her as a
beautiful woman and my dear-
est friend. I listen to my heart,
feel its breath," and embrace its
voice. I am with a man at this
time in my life, I have a strong
desire for a woman, am still
growing with myself in knowing
where my heart brings me, all
of which are parts of my inti-
mate soul’s journey. Ten years
from now when I wake in the
morning, will I look into the
eyes of a man, or a woman, or
maybe merely my own reflec-
tion? Where my heart brings
me from this moment to the
next is what living and loving is.

Choosing to not deny this and
that out of respect for myself.
Women and men are attrac-
tive and delicious in various
ways. What can be a woman’s
Strength can be a man’s weak-
ness and vise versa. What
makes a man or a woman at-
tractive to me is the uniqueness
in their eyes and their inner
beauty that lies beyond the
surface of the skin. I connect
intimately with the person who
bestcomplements who I am.

Do I have to make a deci-
sion as to what gender I prefer?
Must I decide one over the
other for the rest of my life?
I’ve been told by many that ev-
erything in life works itself out,
and I try to believe in that as
one moment brings me to the
next. Given the insecurities of
social status and the emphasis
placed on sexual identity, some-
times I feel pressured to decide
between men and women.

But the only réal pressure
that ever exists is the pressure
we place on ourselves. Onlook—
ers may assume I fall ir1t0 the
category of heterosexual, or
think I no longer have a choice
to be anything other than a
happily married heterosexual,
due to the choice I made years
ago. What may be seen by the
blind eyes of society is just that.

However, what is within me
as a woman, as an individual, is
a beauty yet unseen by those
blind eyes. Nothing is ever
certain, nothing is ever forever.
Change, growth, and realiza-
tions all come to us moment to
moment as we live each day. I
would be disappointed in my-

\ self if I set limitations in my life
and denied possibilities that
I may or may not know even
exist in the moments to come.

I am queer, bisexual, driven,
and full of intimate depth
and voice. What you see at a
glance in my direction makes
me but a stranger to what
lies within. I wish for us all
to cherish the ability to love
another, look deeper than the
skin and embrace all the beauty
that lies within all of- us. It is
easier to embrace others when
we first embrace ourselves.

It was Ghandi who once said

“Be the change you wish to see
in the world.” I am being. V

Heather was born in
Burlington and now lives in
Colchester. Her obsession is
rock climbing and she loves
to write, especially poetry.

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  Plllllll
Sat. May 6th 2006

Burlington, Vermont WWW-°utri9hfVf~0r9

 
    

featuring: a Queer Youth Speakout,
Workshops, Mini Film Fest, and the
ONLY Queer Youth Prom in Vermont.

   
  

 

Saturday,June 3
9pm-2am 18+
Higher Ground Ballroom
$10 in advance

$12 day of event

an ma mxmsz mm: an

THE GREEN CLOSET - OLD GOLD - THE CLOTHING LINE

Nancy Ellen :ludd, MA
Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor

COUNSELING AND PSYCHOTHERAPY

§802?863 . 2084

2 CHURCH STREET. BURLINGTON VT 05401

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