TONGUEINCHEEK BY KEVIN ISOM

Forget Auld

Acquaintance on Day

SOMETIMES, LIKE WATCHING RYAN
Seacrest smooch Mariah Carey at the stroke of
midnight on New Year's Eve, you just want to
go ahead and forget about “auld acquaintance."
Especially with Valentine's Day and all its
shameless romanticizing of relationships
coming up.

I’m having such a moment now. My Valentines
Day was preceded by the news that a friend who is
turning 40 is inviting my ex-partner to his birthday
party. Now, if I had had an ideal divorce and an
ideal post—divorce, or even anything remotely
resembling it, this would not be a big deal.

But my ex simply vanished. It was couched
as a separation, by which he really meant a
breakup, as he told me a few months later. I’ve
spoken to him three times in the last five and a
half years, by his choice. So how uncomfortable,
if not downright painful, will it be to see him at
a small party? I’d just as soon eat a handful of
ground up red and white doilies.

I think my family was hurt almost as much as
I was by the David Copperfield act. My mother
tells me she still thinks-,fondly of him and feels

_ sad that he’s not around. Thengl remind her what

a number‘ his disappearance did on -me, andvshe
adds, “Well, I was very upset that he acted that
way.”

I still remember the pain like it was yesterday.
Even though intellectually I knew we were not
a good match, I'd never felt anything so searing.
But mostly what I feel now is disappointment
that four-and-a_-half years together were worth no
post-relationship effort. That when he made the
decision to go, that was that, and all attachments

‘were cut. It was as if, Poofl, at the stroke of

midnight, four-and-a-half years vanished.

The problem is that, in a normal world,
attachments are never cut so easily. Not after so
much time.

Sure, after I ended a dating relationship with a
guy I went out Withnon-exclusively for three months
right after my separation/divorce, I find it a bit_weird
that years later, that fellow does not speak to me. In
three months, lasting attachments do not form — not
without the appropriate leather restraints, anyway.
But in four and a halfyears, they do.

So how to deal with this? My current significant
other, Derek, immediately suggested that we go
visit my sister the weekend of the party. My mother
weighed in with the suggestion that I skip the
party — better to avoid discomfort. My sister said
she didn’t know how she could even attend herself
without having some choice Words for him.

I asked a lesbian friend of mine how she would
cope in a similar situation. She simply looked at
me in astonishment and said, “You mean you're
not friends? Like I am with all my ex-girlfriends?!”
I suddenly wished I’d been dumped by a le_sbian.

But my best friend noted that I can’t avoid

 

How uncomfortable, if .
notgdownright painful,
will it .be to see my

ex at a small pa rty?

I'd just as soon eat a
handful of ground up

  59- ., . ,i;, , . ...C'k.§,"3.
red and white doilies.
every event where I know my ex willbe present.
And she wickedly suggested that his tendency
to disappear when I’m around might at least be
consistent.

Last summer, I stopped going to a weekly pool
gathering after he began to attend. I’d been going
for years and years, and apparently he’d been
invited for years after the disappearance, but he
had finally decided to begin attending. A clothing
optional pool gathering, like a small birthday
party, was not the way I wanted to see my ex
for the first time in years, so I opted out, and I
chalked it up to the hosts being inconsiderate to
invite us both. Besides, I’d been going for a while,
and I simply thought of it as his turn.

__ So do I stay or do I go? No one else at the
party is going to have a clue about my internal
dynamics. In fact, the only person it really matters
to is me. ’

I suppose I could pretend he was only an
acquaintance and not acknowledge any prior
relationship. But then, that would be buying into
the total detachment and devalue a large chunk
of my life. Or I could pretend that he had died
— so that I would be pleasantly surprised to see
him. Or maybe I’ll just think about that Ryan
Seacrest-Mariah Carey smooch and be glad that,
like that ridiculous smooch, the evening will be
over soon.

‘Come to think of it, considering my options,
that Mariah Carey kiss is actually starting to look _
pretty good. V

E Columnist Kevin lsom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in Cheek and Other Places,
available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at isomon|ine@aol.com or Kevin|som.com.

 

FEBRUARY 2006 l out in the IIIIIIIIIIIIIISV I

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