, you get when.

 

BY WILL HOLDEN

ome people say I came
out of the closet one day
"at lunch, like a spur—of-

the-moment thing. Youknow, “I
like cheeseburgers, oh yeah, and
men too.” Yeah, that must have
been it. Some say I came out at a
big sports game, which may be
true as well. Some say I just went

. to school one day, and said it

when I got there. No matter what
story I hear though, it’s true that I

don’t quite remember when I first In 

came out to everyone,

It must have been the rush that
made me do it though. The high
“ ' Qbmpletely let

    

\ on’t believe me when I
y Woiii*éln’t.lMost of
a l2ifge'I

Keeping the secret though, that’s
the _all—time low. I try to speak of
that as well, but as I said before, no
one ever understands. Let’s just call
it a secret. Yeah. For all intents and
purposes, let’s refer to it as ‘an
everyday secret. Like how Sally is
cheating on her boyfriend with
Rachael’s cousin. Take that little bit
of hall gossip, and magnify ‘it by the
nth million power.

The feeling I mean, if I may be
so bold as to say, is suffocation. It
is physical,_ destructive, and has led
to death (just as suffocation in the
actual sense has). Every time I‘
would think of a guy I liked, my
stomach would tense up, and I’d
have a hard time breathing.
Occasionally, I would even feel
light-headed from the stress. It was
almost to. the cataclysmic scale that
would turn one catatonic.

Nevertheless though, I managed
to survive. That’s all you really can
do in those situations, is survive.
Keep yourself breathing, and know
that you’ve got strength somewhere.
All tl1at’s left now, is to fmd it.

I found my first bit of strength
at my eighth-grade graduation
dance. I took my friend Beth, who
had been my friend since we had
first met in the second grade.
Since we had always paired our-
selves up in plays, and other activ-
ities, many observers had already
made the assumptions that we
were dating. So, that night I pulled
her aside, and said that I needed to
speak to her. She was so nervous
at the thought that I may want to

_ dance with her, or something gross

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

er'n,about'theihigh, and or . 

like that. Quite on the contrary. I
told her in a roundabout way (You
know, “I‘ve never really liked any
girls“ and all of that such).

It was a way where I wouldn‘t
actually have to say anything, but
where she would guess. (This
method was one that also helped
me later on in my mission.) She
reacted quite nicely, though she

 
   

later told her homophobic brother
Kyle (who I’m friends with, so
he’s had to deal with it. That’s
another story in itself anyways, so
let’s just save that.).

Though I had already found the
strength to talk to my friend Beth,
that was only part of the battle.
One person though, really gave
me the courage to move past the
fear, and tell people. Her name
was Mimi, and she was a bisexual
girl in my class. It was at the
largest football game of the year,
and I knew that I had already
waited too long to say anything.

She was alone in the field,
twirling glow sticks. I knew I
would need her help, and there
was no better time than now. So, I
went up to her and told her I was
gay. She said that she was glad I
had told her, and that she had
found strength within herself by
realizing that it wasn’t important
what other people thought. Sure,
everyoneknows that, and every-
one always says that, but this time
it was different. She was someone
that had been through the same
situation I had, and she was some-
one who actually had confidence
in. her words.

Then came the high. Yep, like I
said earlier. It was that feeling that
nothing can touch you, and you
c'anfdo anything. My friend Nick

 

came up to me, and I smiled and
told him. He didn’t seem all that
surprised, actually, he sounded
like he had already expected this. I
should have figured that it
wouldn‘t be as big a deal as I had
made it out to be. This was the
start of the “Duh, why didn't you
say something earlierl”. situation
that I often found after that. I felt
so great about my achievements. I

' couldn’t believe it, and Mimi’s
— wisdom and my telling Nick were

two things that would definitely

’ help me do what came next:

My father. He called that

night, and I knew I had to tell him.

I went to, and even began my sen-
tence, but I couldn’t do it._'My
high had gone suddenly and he
spent a few minutes trying to fig-
ure it out. It was then ’that he said
it. “Are you worried that you
think you’re gay?” I quickly hung
up the phone, and began to cry.
What a situation! I couldn’t
say no, and I sure to hell couldn’t
say yes. He called back, and tried
to calm me through my answer-
ing machine. After he started talk-
ing about coming over to help
me, I finally picked up the phone.
We talked. Yeah, that’s it. All we
had to do was talk. It wasn’t even
that bad once I had managed to
calm down and stop my crying. .
He told me something that

made me a lot more confident. He
told me that it was okay if I was
unsure about my sexuality, but I
told him that I was sure. “I’m
gay.” He was very supportive, and
spoke to me until I was laughing
again. The first difficult time over
with, now all I needed was 

Mom. How? She was  a
little less understanding than my
father. I wasn’t sure how I would .
get through this. So, after a while
of brainstorming, I came up with"
a plan. “I won’t tell her. I don’t
need to. Aha! I leavea lot of
notes to self, and keep separate
little notes all over!” That was my
way of thinking, and again, I
wouldn’t have to say a thing. So,
I made a special little note to self.
About my secret, and how I need_
help. I can never tell anyone, and
blah, blah, blah. (Seriously, I was
so over that stage! But I digress.)

Of course, she read it and
spoke with me later onithat night.
It was in her truck, and she
seemed to be doing her best to
hide how upset she was. She
asked me when I knew, and I said
that I had been thinking of this
for quite some time. She happily
stated that thinking isn’t knowing,
and I reassured her that I knew.

 

Coming Out: “The beginningll  ‘

Things were rockiyflfora while,
and we never really talk about it.
It’s not that I can’t speak to my
mom, but that it’s not really neces-
sary. She knows, and it’s not
important that I keep bringing it
up. I still feel a little worried of
talking about my sexuality to her,
and when I have a boyfriend, I
don’t have them meet her.

Don’t get me wrong, It’s not that
I don’t want her to meet them, but I
don’t think she’s really ready for that
yet. I respect my mom, and I’ll con-
tinue to respect this boundary for a
while, and until I am totally sure that

. it would be okay with her.

So, when I do have a
boyfriend, I never say it. It’s
implied through how much I speak
of them, how I have their picture
in a frame on my wall, and how I

As the saying _above the door of our retail showroom says,

”E'nter As Strangers-Leave As Friends”. Welcome to our circle where
creativity, style, and social justice areour deep priorities. Nothing pleases
us moreithan knowing that many of these brilliant products have a
transformative effect on the artists who produce them. Peace and love in,_
abundance to you and yours this holiday season! —JuIia and Tracy

  

""1

'1

I Will Holden is a junior at Fair-

 

 Come have a mug of hot cider and
t   join us this holiday season at the

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Open to the public Fri, Nov. 26 — Mon, Jan. 3, 12pm-8pm
Jamaica House, Main Street, Jamaica, Vermont

 

act when    It’s

‘all implied, but at lea'st‘lilt’s there.

I still haven’t told everyone,
but that’s only because I haven't
had to. I will though. At least I
now know that Ihave the strength
and power to be myself. I don’t
need to live my life in fear of vio-
lence. I don’t need to fear persecu-
tion from my loved ones. And I
don’t need to feel that suffocation
I once did. I am human, and I
need to be loved. Not only do I
need to, but I demand to be loved.
No longer should we live secret
lives and die within them either.

All it takes is that one first
step, and that one first person you
tell, to make a difference. 7

s

haven Union High School.