.,_fl . . _ _ , . . . . -- » «ansnsAom«¢snq.o~nna- QhARADAArh'.h'AyQA.tA’A'A'JA-4Dl'A'A'hhh&'Q‘A'ADA0’AQ"A£fi.Dh£iflihA‘AAOhhbhasbdbbhtthhlnfihflbhntn-A4rec s-an "One of the p 10, best gay/lesbian guesthouses.-" -Planet Out I highlandsinn-nh.com 0 Bethlehem, NH 877gLES-B-!NN (537-2466) ' A Lesbian Paradise Nancy Ellen Judd, MAC Licensed Clinical Manta! Health Caunseior COUi\tSELiNG AND PSYCHOTHERAPY %802.%883.2084 2 CHURGH 8TRE.E?, BUfli.3NG?ON V1’ 05401 TE.EN$ l ADULTS t INEHVIDUAIS I COUPLES .Susan.McKenzie MS. , _ Jungian Psychoanalyst V Licensed Psychologist -_-— Master ' Specializing in issues bf Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transgendered iridiwduais and couptes Quechee -- White River Junction (802) 295-5533 ’ insurance Accepted ' eorge Brewer, REA'l'.'I‘OR®, Broker had an experience on a local (Albany NY) parent- ing listservez the list owner refused to let me post an ‘announcement about an LGBT Parenting Conference because, she wrote, she’s a Christian. I decided to go public with this information by writing about it in my nationally syndicated col- umn as well as sending the email I received from her to many of the list members for whom I had email addresses._ Wow, talk about a small action creating large waves. When I woke up the follow- ing morning, I had numerous emails in my mailbox, all of them supportive. A few people were appalled, a number decid- ed to leave the parenting list in disgust, two people came out to me as bisexual, and two more . shared that they had close rela- tives who were gay. The most surprising disclo- sure, though, was from the lis- towner herself who told -me that the reason she has such strong feelings about the issue of gay parenting is that her mother is gay! In my line of work, not much trips me up, but this con- fession moved me from shock to a long guffaw and finally to a place of emotional reflection and something akin to compas- sion. I, of course, invited her to attend the LGBT Parenting Conference. You’ve all heard the joke that to lower anxiety about pub- lic speaking, you should envi- sion theaudience to be naked. It - levels the playing field, since most of us feel a bit naked when standing in frontiof an audience. I suspect part of the resistance we experience when I doing LGBT education, particu- larly in school systems, is that we are up against very personal issues about people’s own fami- lies. To talk about starting a gay/straight alliance in a high school, to talk about including gay parents as a viable family form in elementary school classrooms, is to face parents and teachers whose own closets are full of skeletons: the brother who died of AIDS that no one talks about; the petting they ' remember in high school with a same-sex peer; the rumor an ‘ aunt shared about their father’s gay relationship (I’ve heard that , story four times in the past decade); their fears that their son’s love of art and beauty may indicate something about his future sexuality. Our naked insistence on our humanity and our willingness to simply be queer families out and proud may make others feel exposed, unable to hide their own unre- solved queer life experiences. Talking about gay families and gay people isjnot something “over there,” but something that every family has a personaland unique relationship to, a unique . queer relation in the family. Since most people have not really examined these issues about homosexuality in their own families, neighborhoods, and social circles, those of us who dare to keep talking about it, up front and center, are open- ing up a proverbial can of worms that our listeners can barely emotionally handle. Educating people about queer families is not just a scholarly task, not just facts and figures. It takes skill and sensitivity to work with people’s, dare I say, latent psychological experi- ences, what Carl Jung called the shadow self. It’s something like this: behind every Kinsey 6 het- erosexual is lurking a queer memory or experience reinforc- ing the bolt on the closet door. In order toneducate parents, . teachers, and administrators in schools, we need to start with very simple basics. Like the lis- towner, who heard “LGBT Parenting Conference,” and thought I said, “Bacchanalian oaoannnasuncnanaq-bananas sex orgy,” many people are still frightened by our words, our existence, and a simple smile across the room when homosex- uality is rumored to be involved. We need to remind them that we are not talking about sex or even sexuality (we can get to that later). We are talking about families, and the diverse makeup of all of our families. We are talking about their cousins and aunts; about their nephew and his partner. We are talking (who knew?) about their parents. So in deciding to take a stand against homophobia and exclusionary policies, some- thing else has been revealed, and what a surprise to find yet another face of the gay commu- nity, of the gay parenting com- munity. Underneath what appeared to be hostility and religiosity is a woman ashamed _of her own lesbian mother, teaching her children that their grandmother is a sinner. ' The damage done to our families from years of homo? phobia and internalized shame is hard to undo, but if we make our school systems safe for gay- parented families, maybe one day her children will come home from school and talk about their friends, who have two moms, and slowly, slowly, the tide will turn. I do believe that both the Jewish and Christian scriptures teach us that it is a child that shall lead us. The lessons our children are taught in school about the diversity and ‘acceptance of all family forms, will be brought home (to their parents, hopefully making the world safer not only for gay youth, not only for kids being raised.by LGBT parents, but also for the parents living in shame about the gay-patented families that reared them. V Arlene Istar Lev is a family ‘therapist, activist, and educator. She and her partner are parents to two handsome sons, Shaiyah and Eliezer. Find her on the web at www.choices consultingcom and www.pr0ud parenting.com (search: Dear Ari ).