good food good things good times .4 gciziiizie I*Z'i-wioiit coimtry .\‘fm"t’ with Li ctiiztetiiporczr !flaz'r mantgomery center Vermont 802.326.3058 www.treutrEvertraders.com Aptifs Home im.menmt ni..i.‘§‘£;$’f“’~:odR°"”"“"“*""isic...i....s Apiil Villemaire, Owner V 101, West MiitonRoad #65 A Milton, VT 05468 802’. 310. 7579 Aprilshomerepair@aol.oom 27 Years Experience Fully Insured Airing Di Laundry BY BETTY COLE‘ ews Flash: Some of our - relationships are so unhealthy, it’s a crime. And that crime goes under several names: battering or abuse, both physical and emotional‘; sexual assault; and “domestic violence..” Alcoholism is a health problem that used to _be kept a secret — both inside and outside our communi- ties. Cancer and more recently AIDS were not talked about, either. The same has been true for abusive relationships in lgbt communities, often for the same reasons: preju- dice, discrimination, and their inter- nalized corollary, shame. There are two persistent com- ments Safespace Director Kara DeLeonardis and Program Coordinator Hannah Hauser hear when they talk about domestic vio- lence within lgbt communities: “You’re making us look bad by air- ing our dirty laundry,” and “Why don’t these people just leave?” Hauser thinks the “making ‘us’ look ba ” belief stems from internal-. ized homophobia. “People assume a strong case for equality and civil rights has to be built on our being flawless. But we’re human, flawed people. No person is just queer — we’re vulnerable to life’s complexi- ties and our own history.” DeLeonardis sees the impact of “airing dirty laundry” in the diffi- culty the agency has had fundrais- ing, both from individual donors and from lgbt-focused foundations. Although discrimination in employment, housing, insurance, child custody, credit and public accommodations on the basis of sexual orientation was outlawed in Vermont in 1992, Hauser still sees the lgbt communities as “marginal- ized.” And being marginalized con- tributes to unhealthy relationships. It creates barriers to leaving. Since Vermont still allows discrimination in housing and employment against transgender people, where does a transwoman without funds go? If your own first same—gender lover huits you, how would you expect anything different from others? And once you’re in a vulnerable posi- tion, how do you keep saying no, Secrecy Keeps Domestic Violence Going and what do you do when it’s over? Some of the survivors of lgbt domestic violence who have used Sa.feSpace’s services are willing to tell their own stories, with names and identifying details changed to protect them from possible retaliation. “Julianna” is a rural 32-year- old transwoman: “I had been living with my girlfriend Miriam for 2 years. I was not on the lease but I was signing over my pay- ‘ check to her to pay all the bills and rent on top of supporting us both and her child. I was extremely iso- lated and didn’t have friends or know of any supports or transgen- der community groups. “I never really thought it was abuse because she never directly hit me, but she constantly wore me down with comments and threats. Miriam was verbally and emotion- ally abusive, very transphobic and hateful. Eventually Miriam kicked me out for good, and I didn’t have any money or any place to go. “In the local homeless shelter I was put on the ‘male’ side and was very uncomfortable. The shelter wasn’t supportive or accommodating and definitely not safe. I only stayed there one night. The second time was during the winter months, and it was three days until my next paycheck. I couldn’t go back to that shelter because it’s not safe for transwomen, and the'only other option was to stay the night in my car. That was the month the temperature didn’t climb above freezing at all.” “Kelley” is a 40-ish lesbian who lived on the outskirts of Chittenden County with her lover after leaving a marriage to come out: “At first I loved ‘Amy’s’ insis- tence that we were everything each other needed and the closeness we had. She was my first lesbian rela- tionship, and I thought that we were supposed to be everything to and for each other. “Over time, however, that close- ness became smothering and turned into control and suffocation. Amy controlled most of the relationship, including what doctors I saw and what medications I took. She also encouraged my abuse of prescrip- tions. I ended up with weekly seizures and daily migraines. “Amy demanded that I do all the cleaning and cooking, and con- trolled how much I spent on gro- ceries. If I went to bed early because I was exhausted or sick, she insisted that I was not fulfilling my commitment to her. I can’t remember how many times she would wake me in the middle of the night and demand to make love right then. The physical hurt was easier to deal with than the emo- tional hurt that I am still trying to figure out.” “Jim” is a 20-something guy who found his casual sexual rela- tionship had turned into sexual assault when his partner refused to pay attention to the limits he set: “We met at a bar after catching each other’s eye earlier in the evening. He bought us both several drinks. “After talking for a while, I accepted an invitation back to his apartment. Before doing so, however, I made it clear that although I’d like . to fool around, I’m not into anal sex. “Back at the apartment, we had another drink before beginning to fool around. We kissed each other‘ and gently explored each other’s bodies for a long time before he grabbed some lubricant and stimu- lated my anus with his fingers. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t think it would go any further so I didn’t say anything. “Almost before I realized it, he was on top of me, inserting his penis. When I flinched and said, ‘It hurts,’ he said, ‘That’s OK, it’ll feel better in a few minutes.’ He contin- ued to penetrate me harder and harder. After he reached orgasm, he kissed me, told me how hot the sex had been, and then rolled over and fell asleep.” These stories are not unique. According to the Safespace survey distributed at the July 2005 Pride celebration, 23 percent of the 4179 respondents experienced violent incidents, intimidation and/or abuse from their partner within the last 7 year..ln 2004, the agency worked with clients in nine Vermont coun- ties. Domestic violence within our communities needs airing for us to get healthier and stronger. We need to care enough to not overlook it when someone is shoved down the stairs in a public place. We need to care enough to support the agency that is there to help on our behalf. V For information about lgbt domes- tic violence, contact SafeSpace: 802-863-0003, or safespacevtorg.