BY EUAN BEAR

kay. pop quiz: how many

ex-lovers are still part of

your life‘? If you're a les-
bian. chances are that more of your
exes than not are still involved in
some aspect of your social and emo-
tional milieu. Not exactly a flash of
insight. more like a stereotype. But

that's what sociology does: examine _

accepted systems and relationships. .

And that's what UVM
Associate Professor Jackie
Weinstock and now-former UVM
Professor _Esther Rothblum have
done in this hardcover book edition
of The Journal of Lesbian Studies.

Rothblum has a long his-
tory as an editor ofthe JLS. As a
psychology professor. she has
focused on topics unique to lesbians.
and certainly the networks of friends
and lovers among lesbians qualify.
Weinstock and Rothblum. once stu-
dent and teacher, had previously
edited a volume on lesbian friend-
ships. Lesbian Er-Lovers “was just
the next step." said Weinstock in an
interview.

_ Rothblum and Weinstock
— who are not and never have been
lovers, ex- or otherwise — obviously
have a close working relationship as
colleagues, interweaving their
responses during an interview.

“We were interested in the
lines between lovers and friends ."
said Rothblum, describing their
decision to put out a call for
abstracts (a typical method of asking
for academic articles), “and never in
20 years as an editor have I gotten
this many responses."

“We wanted to include
humor as well as pieces that showed
a lot of thought,” added Weinstock.
“We got everything from poems to
academic pieces, though the poems
were a bit difficult to fit into the
‘abstract’ format."

The two did the book in
part because they found little exist-
ing literature looking at lesbian ex-
lovers. and the little they found was
out of date, they said. And while the
format is academic, including those
infamous abstracts, Rothblum insist-
ed the book was written “for our
community."

Weinstock said she has
given “signed copies to all my exes,
well  except one." There were

out in mountains

UVM Professors Jacqueline Weinstock & Esther Rothblum

Looking for Your
  Next Ex-Lover

UVM Profs Ask, “Why Are We Still Friends?”

also a couple of exes who wrote
about the same lover, though
Rothblum said they didn't discover
that until later. Some communities
were notorious for their promiscuity,
they found: sleeping around was the
only way to get connected to the ex-
lover networks.

Rothblum described her-
self as an exception to the ex-lover
trend. ‘‘I’m not really in touch with
any of my ex-lovers. I never liked
the phenomenon." Weinstock. on the
other hand, numbers several exes
within her closest circle of friends
and chosen family. Rothblum
observed that new lovers often have

Lesbian Ex-Lovers:
the Really Long-Term
Relationship

 

to “impress a family of ex-lovers
checking me out, whereas if I was
straight I‘d have to impress the fam-

99

ily.
Weinstock used the tenri
“flexes" to describe the continuum
of lesbian relationships: Family,
Friends, Lovers, Exes.
“l-leterosexuals could learn

something from us about how we
stay in touch in a caring way. espe-
cially when kids are involved.“

The cover diagram of cir-
clcs all connected in various ways
was inspired by a similar diagram
from the TV series The L-Word
which shows the changing connec-
tions of who has slept with whom in
an LA lesbian community.

Nor are the two
researchers likely to stop with com-
munities of ex-lovers. "There are all
kinds of other communities to
explore,“ enthused Rothblum. “com-
munities of choice, RV communi-
ties, women who publish periodi-

 

cals. radical fcinini.st.s."

Weinstock. who has been
teaching at U\'.‘vl since I996. found
that the tl_\'IliIllllC\ of cx-lot t'l’\
iiffcctcd her classes. “l'\'c taught it
class on scxuiil |tlCllllllC\ fnc lllllL‘\.
untl tlicrt-K tllltltisl lll\\‘£I_\\ mint: rclii-
llDll\lllp going on and then brcaking
tip in the middle of my class. creat-
ing L'\c\_ lt\ so painfiil to xxutcli."

Rothblum sccs thc book its
ctiuntcring the slrcss \t)clL‘l_\ pills tilt
ht-mg \k'\ll£ll1l\lllL‘llllllllitlc rc|;ition-
ship. “llcing \L'\llill I\ not tlic cud.
us one \\()lllllll \\ rotc, ‘We used to bc
fflL‘lltl\_ mm \sc'rc ]ll\l lmcrs."

Wciiistock \£lt(l the book ts
part of “u.orking out lll_\ sttilf and
helping my coiiiniunit_\ work out
their stuff. lt'\ about uiluing lricnd-
ships. and the fact that c\'cn if vtc
don't work out as lovcrs. we can bc
linl valued relationships."

She catitioncd ziganiist ;in_\
idcaliling of ex-lovcr relationships -
aftcr all. the book hits it section
called “Too Mtich Tsorax." ".\'ot all
relationships arc hcaltliy. and maybe
thc cx-lovcr relationship shouldn't
continue. cithcr." Wcinstock is t:spc-
cially aware of the issue since xhc is
on the board of SafcSpacc. an
agency that ztdvoczttcs for lcsbian.
gay. transgcndcr and queer Victims
and survivors of sexual. domestic
and societal violence.

The current patterns are
likely to change. Wcinstock said.
“The more we assimilate. the more

our families oforigin don't rcjcct us.

maybe this network of cxcs won't
stick around."

In the feminist lesbian
communities I've lived in, networks
of ex-lovers made sense. even in the
early days when we were just begin-
ning to break out of the bars and tra-
ditional butch-fcmmc roles.
Monogamy was not necessarily at
value — we called it “mu-hog-ii-me.“
Marriage was about ptitriiircltiil own-
crship of wotncn. the means of (re-)
production. So a lot of us ctit ll wide
swath rcliitionship-wise. l.csbiuns of
a certain age might have it lot of ex-
lovers — as would those who have
not settled down in ii couple. 'l‘lio.-ac
networks still sustain some of us.
And those itrc the women we want
in our rctircnicnt coniinunitit-.~a. V