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0. am
REALTOR
so: as-9999
not-349-mo
no:-m~ma

 
 

erhaps you’ve heard that
Pselma (one of the aunts) on

The Simpsons has recently
come out as a lesbian? I’d heard
that they were going to out some-
one on the show, but the PR people
were being coy about which charac-
ter it would be — I’d had my money
on Lenny and Carl, frankly.

In honor of Selma’s

‘ recent conversion, I thought I’d V

‘compile a list of other famous ficij, 
_ tional characters who need a cg_>i"r:r’5-‘ 

‘ ing out party —‘and not the kind,  f

7 with debutantes (you know,*urrl
» -"that’s what you’re into).

Life

This seemsso obvious as to not ” , :

even be worth mentioning, but at T

the same time, I don’t think I could 

not mention them since an emu1a- .
tion of or incoherent longingfor ‘J9.’

  

 pic
." -.:

 

this: _e , _ p_ _
A It’s one of those Jo/Blair

- episodes, where they’re stuck

together and forced to realize that
their animosity hides a deeper kin-
ship. So they’re snowed in at a
hotel where all the girls have gone

_ for the weekend — the rest of them

have driven back to town together,
but there was no room in the van
for Blair because her toiletries took
up all the passenger space.

Blair resigns herself to
riding home on Jo’s motorcycle
even though it will muss her hair, V
but a sudden storm leaves her and
Jo stranded. By the time the roads
have cleared enough for them to
drive back together, they realize
that all their animosity over the
years was hiding their true feelings
for each other. They head back to_
Peakskill, but instead of returning »
to Eastland Academy, they set up a
combination salon and,mechanic’s
shop just down the road.

Anne Shirley and Diana
Barry in Anne of Green
Gables

Because you know that Anne never
cared about stupid blank Gilbert as
much as she did Diana. Anne’s cry-
ing jag early in the novel when
she’s considering the possibility of
Diana’s still entirely theoretical

 

 

After All

       

oore

., future marriage feelslike the cry of i

_ j every young queer girlwho wants

_ ,_ , -  i ‘tormarry her best friend, so I pose
Jo and Blair on me Fects‘o"i'

that she and Diana have a secret
affair that extends throughout the

' series. Their signal at the window

of five flashes ofthe candle means
more than just “come overright
away, for I have something very

k ‘ important to tell you”—-instead, it
‘Ffolnicheck was ,the._frst sign of f- —  ’
< queemess inso ‘many. women of my '

-Irneans “I have to see you. Now.”

 
 
 
  

  
 

    n ‘ i ker’squeen”y“’ ‘    A’
bitchiness seems significant

Luke skywalker

I’m thinking particularly of the
‘scene in the first Star Wars movie
just after Han has left the Rebel
Alliance to go back to Tatooine and
pay back Jabba the Hut. Leia
approaches Luke and asks, “Luke,
what’s troubling you?” He responds
pissily, “It’s Han.”

I know this seems like a
throwaway moment, but Luke’s
queeny bitchiness here seems sig-
nificant to me of a deeper connec-
tion he feels for Han. The scene
when Leia kisses Luke cements this
reading in my mind, since Luke
seems so much more fixated on
Han’s reaction to their kiss than he
is on Leia herself.

:- . Sadly, I don’t think that
Han returns Luke’s feelings, but
that does make the situation perfect
for a tragic tale of unrequited love.
In this version, one of the things
Luke realizes while he’s training

v. ;i.'U

to me of a deeper connection
he feels for Han Solo.

Although Diana still mar-
ries Fred, and Anne agrees to marry
Gilbert, the prospect of moving to
Ingleside and leaving Diana and
Avonlea is too much for Anne, and
she spirits Diana away in the night.
They make for the big city of
Montreal, where Anne learns to
speak French and opens a women’s
bookstore. ' -

After the gossip in
Avonlea has settled down a bit
(although all the townspeople
always knew that Shirley girl was a
bit off, if you get my meaning),
Marilla joins them in the big city,
and keeps their brownstone tidy and
manageable while Anne and Diana
run a salon for bohemian writers in
Montreal. Marilla meets up with
Gertrude Stein and realizes that her
desire to.follow Anne and Diana to
the city was motivated by more
than just her fears that Anne would-
n’t be able to manage on her own.
Years later, they return to Prince
Edward Island to run a rural
bohemian retreat.

with Yoda on Degoba is his love for
Han. His trip to Cloud City is moti-
vated as much by his desire to tell
Han the truth before it’s too late as
it is by his need to save them all
from Vader. However, when he sees
Leia and Han together, he realizes
that it’s she whom Han truly loves.
Fortunately, Luke and

Chewie find solace together, and
through their shared bond of love
for the forever unattainable and
clueless Han Solo, forge their own
relationship.

Frodo and Sam in The Lord
of the Rings V
Oh wait—someone already made
that movie! V

Anne Moore is a cheerleader and
local gadabout who hails from vari-
ous interchangeable suburbs all
over the country. She currently lives
in Burlington with her cat and
exhaustive collection of Bufifir
DVDS.