ave you noticed how cute
HJohn Kerry and John
_ Edwards look together?

With the photos running in the
newspapers of them facing each
other, only inches apart, smiling
broadly, and looking at each other
with a look that almost screams “I
love ya, honey” — I thought at first I
might be looking at more photos of
a happy gay couple wed in
Massachusetts or Canada. Kerry
looks like the dashing, prematurely
gray, more reserved member of the
couple, while Edwards exudes life-
of-the-party exuberance. If I saw
them at a party, I’d want to talk
with them.

That led me to thinking
about how George W. Bush and
Dick Cheney look together as a
couple. And they’re not too bad V
either. There’s a definite father-son
thing going on. Sort of a June-

 
 

 

ject of cute couples and differences
of opinion on the right of gays and
lesbians to marry, I’m noticing late-
ly that in the gay marriage debate, a
lot of so-called conservatives seem

to be fixated on — we1l— human and
animal coupling. Think I’m kid-
ding?

John Smoltz, the Atlanta
Braves baseball player, is in hot

p I'm noticing lately that

in the a gay marriage debate,
P a lot of the so-called
conservatives seem to be
fixated on - welI- human
and animal coupling.

Think I’m kidding?

, December romance. Iicould easily

imagine Cheney sitting back with a
cigar and a whiskey, while the
younger Bush, wearing a cowboy
hat, rides around on his pony (more
on ponies later). Picture them with
Cheney in a leather harness and
Bush in leather shorts and a collar
(leash optional), and the image is
complete. If I saw them in a leather
bar, I wouldn’t be surprised. (Side
note: Is it okay to make fun of a sit-
ting president? Or a standing one,
for that matter? When he publicly
argues that I and other gays and les-
bians should be second-class citi-
zens when it comes to marital
rights, all the while he also says that
he respects us but merely has a dif-
ference of opinion with us? You
decide.) ‘
While we’re on the sub-

water for commenting that if we
permit gay marriage, then what’s
next —' bestiality? I thought this .
might be just an isolated incident
until I heard the esteemed William
F. Buckly, Jr., who was referred to
as the father of the modern conser-

vative movement by TV host Tim V V

Russert, use the same rationale —
that if we permit gay marriage,
there’s nothing to stop us from per-
mitting bestiality. Apparently, this is
a common argument, because I then
in radio channel surfing heard Rush
Limbaugh make the same comment.
And Timothy Dailey of Focus on
the Family has said the same sort of
thing in a brochure titled, “The
Slippery Slope of Same Sex
Marriage.”
It’s mind-blowing, really.

That all these conservatives really

  

 k:

Couple?

believe that gay marriage is some-
how akin to bestiality. Aside from
the patent offensiveness of their
comments, there’s a practical appli-
cation. If the real concern is bestial-
ity, and if gay marriage is somehow
a steppingstone down the slippery
slope to legalized bestiality, then
why aren’t the conservatives out
there promoting a'Constitutional
amendment to prohibit bestiality?
Sort of a “Bambi is for Eatin’ — But
Not-THAT Way” legislation.

But alas, great minds, it
seems, think alike, and a main-
stream columnist beat me to it. Jay
Bookman, writing in the Atlanta
Constitution, suggested in a recent
column that the Federal Marriage
Amendment (FMA) be changed to
the Federal Animal, Relationship
and Marriage (FARM) amendment.
He also discussed, with some glee,
that indeed in 1993, an apparently
rather lonely man in Missouri by
the name of Mark married his pony,
Pixel, in a private ceremony, as
noted with some alarm in Dailey’s
slippery brochure. (Apparently, they
made quite the cute couple.)

Now, of course, Pixel was
a female horse (“A horse is a horse,
not a wife, of course,” was
Bookman’s headline, by the way),
so that at least Mark’s marriage was
heterosexual. My guess, however, is
that if Pixel had been a boy pony,
there:wouldn’t be just a mention of
the “marriage” in a brochure. Why,
if Pixel had been a boy pony, I sup-
pose that all hell would have broken
loose from Focus on the Family.
(“Female ponies is for ridin’, NOT
malesl”)

Which leads me to con-
clude that the real issue the so-
called conservatives’ are concerned
about is SAME-SEX bestiality. I’m
amazed that I didn’t think of it '
before.

So I’m willing to offer a
compromise. Let’s_all agree to ban
same-sex bestiality NOW, and let’s
leave gay marriage alone. Is that
slippery enough for you? V

Kevin Isom is the author of It Only
Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in
Cheek and Other Places, available
at bookstores and online. He may
be reached at isom0nline@aol.com
or KevinIsom.com.

   

Serving the GLBTIQA Community

- Complete Health and Dental care for everyone
9 Serving patients with and without insurance

o Open four nights a week and Saturdays

o Welcoming staff in a new, modern facility

a 617' Riverside Avenue, (802) 864-6309

HC

Community Health
Center of Burlington

        

      

    
 
 

AT

6
1

 

0

   

................. E

 ........... ., it
VERMONT PORCH

Polio Rooms

Are you ready to enjoy?

802 985-1020

145 Pine Haven Shores Rd. ~ Suite 1205
Shelburne. VT 05482

www.Vermonlporch.com

S: P