An en Shu ‘ ‘ y boyfriend wants to but I don’t,” Corey revealed. For nearly two years, Corey’s been keeping in touch with occasional e-mails and instant messages. In recent months, he’s shared the details of meeting his current boyfriend and their early struggles with communication and sexual habits. Afier a month of bang- ing like energized bunnies, Corey’s boyfriend announced that he thought they should have an open relationship. Corey was surprised: since they first met, his boyfriend had often spoken of wanting to settle down and have a serious, long-term rela- tionship. Corey assumed that meant a monogamous pairing, I've been surprised at how possible it is to have passionate sex with another man and not feel the slightest loss of love for my husband. but his boyfriend had other ideas. I “He says gay men are supposed to have open relation- ships,” Corey explained. f‘Like we’re all supposed to love show tunes,” he added sarcastically. Then, he asked me if my own relationship was still monogamous. ‘He knew I’d been a big proponent of the one-man man mindset. I let a few moments pass without responding to his instant message. "You said in a column, a while ago, that you and your partner made some changes in your sexual parameters,” Corey referenced. “You weren’t very specific. What changes did you make?” mi W Readers with good memories and inquiring minds can sometimes be a pain in the ass. _ “Well, things happen in a thirteen-year relationship,” I replied. “Like what? What things happen?” He was a dog with a bone. 2 “Thirteen years is a long time.” “Longer than it’s taking you to answer my question?” He was pushing me into a corner with wit and sarcasm. I explained that, about a year and a half ago, Martin and I had gone through a very rough period. It was the ugliest and unhappiest six months of my life, and there was a part of me that still hasn’t forgiven him for putting us through it. One of the results of that hellacious experi- ence was that we decided to have an open relationship. It wasn’t my idea but I decided to go with it and see if it solved any of our challenges with sexu- al frequency and other issues. The decision happened quickly but the transition was not easy for me. There are times when I feel like I’m a fidelity failure. I know that variety can be the spice of life, but some- times it feels like just an excuse not to be more creative with and committed to a healthy sex life with one’s‘partner. Conversely, I’ve been surprised at how simple and pos- sible it is to have passionate sex with another man and not feel even the slightest loss of love for my husband. I surveyed two-dozen friends and other folks I know who are in open relationships to get their take on the subject. Martin and I dutifully completed the same questionnaire. The results were surprising, in many ways. _ Many couples had very Q Case different perspectives on their shared relationship. Most of them proclaimed a great state of honesty and candor, then spoke of things that were kept secret from their partners. Nearly all the participants believed that their partner was the more active philanderer. More than half said that their ideal arrangement would be one in which they could continue to have sex out- side the relationship but that their partners would be entirely faithful. Nearly everyone believed that having the ability or permission to play around, from time to time, was more important than actually doing it. My friend, Keith, takes ‘ a compartmentalized view. “I honestly don’t see a real connec- tion between my tricks and my partner. These matters are sepa- rate. in my mind and one doesn’t really enhance or harm the other.” “As gay men, we are constantly looking at other men, whether we admit it or not,” my friend, Bill, articulated. “Why not play with someone we’re attracted to if they share that same attraction?” E I understand his thought process, but isn’t self control what separates us from the ani- mals? Or have we just been con- ditioned to believe that an unnat- ural reining-in of our natural urges is the appropriate way to behave? Idealistically, I’d prefer to be an animal who mates for life. But, realistically, I’m in a different world. I have a quirky, sometimes maddening partner whom I love with all my heart. An open relationship is the real- _ I istic choice we’ve. made, at least for now. A What choice is right for Corey? For you? Listen to your idealistic heart and your realistic mind and make the choice that works for you and your partner. V D. Scott-Bush ’s work appears throughout the country. E-mail may be directed to NakedCuriosity@aol. com. ©2003 Tradition continued from previous page fight, for the hundreds of college campus GLBTA’s, the Gay- Straight Alliances, the Pride marches and festivals. for the RUl2?’s. It is their shoulders upon which we now stand. V For further reading: The Rise of a Gay and Lesbian Movement, by Barry D. Adam, Twayne Publishers, 1995 Making Gay History, by Eric Marcus, Harper Collins, 2002 Francesca Susannah is a writer interested in lesbians through history. She lives in Burlington. The Standard for Cozy and Elegant Homes Since 1929 RUTLAND HOUSE LTD. Fine Home Furnishings Route 1 I / 30 Manchester VI‘ 162 South Main St Rutland VT 800 - 649 - 2911 RE/MPX North Professionals fac/eie Marina REALTOR 802-655-3377 X23 800-639-4520 X23 e-mail ]ackie@iogeiher.nef website: www.jockiemorino.com ”Out” and Servin our Community since 989 W ;i 1| I II mi: . u COUNSELING CENTER OF NORTHERN VERMONT PSYCHOTHERAPY FOR INDIVIDUALS, Coupms, FAMILIES l ‘ , iillllill (WE I will 0 Coming Out til Family Issues 0 Sexual identity ‘will. _, Separations I - Life Transitions 0 Endings/Loss i Bill McBroom ucsw 802.229.5220 Lynn Goyette LCMHC 4,} 802.860.6360 =lMONTPELIER Links in gold [A with diamonds and pearls. GRANNIS GALLERY Tine Qolo Church St. 8: Bank ' 660-2032 ' M-Th & Sat 10-6 ' Fri l0—8 0 OPEN SUNDAY 12-5 Practice limited to male clientele THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE William Coil, NCMT 802-658-2390 800'830'5025 o-o-o-¢-¢-o-o- BOB GREEN, LCNIHC LICENSED CLINICAL MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR SOUTH BURLINGTON, VERMONT (802) 658-2390 (300) 830-5025 INDIVIDUALS 8C COUPLES MAGELIAN, VHAP, MEDICAID 8: MANY OTHER INSURANCE PROGRAMS ACCEPTED