Keith. “We had to switch [from our names] to ‘Daddy’ and ‘Papa,’ and that was a little hard to always ‘remember tocall John ‘Daddy.’” The switch solidifies the idea of ’- family and the role of each family member, agrees Wanda Audette. John advises parents to keep ajoumal so that they can identify patterns of behavior and find the keys to solving their sig- nificance. The journal they kept helped them figure out why Levi had bathroom accidents each time they went to Maine together: the route passes the foster home where Levi was traumatized. Also, says John, “You need to let these kids go through that and talk about their families or their foster families. . Levi hasn’t mentioned his foster family’s name in about a year.” Both men heaped high praise on a book, saying all parents — and especially adoptive parents whose kids may arrive with “attachment problems” (an inabili- ty to trust or bond with others) — should read it: Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Dr. Daniel Hughes. “I was amazed,” says Keith, “at how much in there related to us and Levi.” Another Levi story: Levi and his two dads go to therapy. One week, John and Keith were in another room when Levi came out - into the waiting room, where another family had settled before their appointment. Levi looked around, and not seeing his dads, went into the bathroom and curled up into a fetal position crying: he thought John.and Keith had left him there. John says that he knew at that point that the three of them were bonding just fine as a family. Keith also suggests get- ting extended families involved as much as possible. John adds, “Show affection to each other in front of your child and your extended family — whatever is nor- mal for your relationship.” John’s family, who live in Maine, have all worked on mak- ing Levi a part of the family at hol- idays and other times, too. After Levi came into the family, hon- orary family members — old friends who were ealled.~}‘Unele"r-~:: ‘- and “Aunt”-’—_ had to give'up't_hose ’ titlestemporarily so that Levi could have clear family boundaries and know who among all these » new people were really his aunts and uncles. Keith's family is also very supportive. _ , Whatever activities or hobbies or interests you have before the adoption, John says, keep them going — or ‘re-activate them after taking a break — after the adoption. “It is healthy for your child to see you doing outside activities, socializing with people outside the family, having some- thing of your own to do.” He ruefully adds that it’s important to prioritize your rela- tionship with your partner, too. A newly adopted child can take all the attention, to the detriment of the adult relationship. After every- one has settled in, remember why you’re in the relationship, and make grown-up dates. And don’t let the fear of what might happen rule your life, says John. ‘Keith confinns that, recalling that their home study took place during the Take Back Vermont backlash. Then he tells a post-adoption story: “One day, John hadbeen to Levi’s class read- ing with them, and then I was there on a field trip. One kid said, ‘Hey, you look different today.’ I know we look sort of similar. I said ‘I am different, and I’m Levi’s other dad.’ One of the mothers overheard me and spent the rest of the day glaring in my direction.” “You have to decide not to react but to act positively. It's not about me any more, it‘s about what's best -for this child. I by no means am ashamed of who I am," John concludes. “Don’t disagree on rules or consequences in front of your child,” advises John. “Even if you don‘t agree, let it go. I told Levi’s teacher, ‘What ever you need to do to make your day successful with Levi‘, you do it.‘ Even if I disagree, ‘we’ll work fthat~out later.’«" Lund.’ s .Wanda-VA udette said, f‘It’s okay to tell a kid, ‘I’m sorry. I overreacted. I messed up this time.’” And, she added, it’s important to lay down ground rules from the beginning and to enforce them consistently — and not to make exceptions in the “honey- moon” period. “If bedtime is 8:00, and follows a bath and a book, then it should be 8:00 with a bath and a book on the first night.” John recommends, “Let in the compliments from friends and family about your parenting. When you’re having a hard day, those are little gems you can bring back to brighten things up a bit.” He and Keith tell the story of les- bian friends who complimented them on their work with Levi — they saw a lot of progress. Last year, the women said, he was wild, stir-crazy, almost impossible to set- tle down. And this year they could see him able to sit with everyone at a table and play games and be ' _ sociable. _ When difficult and unex- pected things happen, says John, “step back, and ask yourself, ‘Is it ‘ really that bad?’ In the larger .scheme of things, when the day is done, it’s just another day.” V John and Keith are willing to cor- respond by email with anyone from our communities about adoption. Please send your emails to OITM, put “Dads " on the subject line, and we ’ll forward them: editor@mountainpridemedimorg. egacy of Love few months ago, I attended a Agroup for adoptive parents. It seemed_a strange thing for me to do. True, I had adopted my first-bom son. He was 6 months old. He is Filipino-American, dark eyed and gor- geous. True, eight months later, my sec- ond son arrived by birth. True, when the boys were 6 and 8 years old, I adopted my daughter. She was six months old and African-American. But they are now grown and flown. At the meeting, I found myself surrounded by parents of toddlers. Why was I there? A short time ago, at a confer- ence, I met a new grandmother from Indiana. Her daughter was lesbian and lived with a woman. Her daughter had given birth to a baby boy who was now only a few months old. Talking to this woman, I was struck first by her love and acceptance of her daughters choices, and secondly, by her anxieties for her grandson. She longed to protect this child from disrespectful, non-under- standing people. The feelings were so like my feelings when I first met my oldest son. I remember trying to affix a hex sign to the door to “keep demons away.” I agonized about a white moth- er’s ability to protect him from hurt. Today, I realize I hadn’t protected any of my children. The world is a hurting place. What I did, I told this new grandmother, was love them. I believe they are strong because of this love. Without love, I am sure they would have suffered even greater harm. My three children are not perfect, but they are sensitive, caring adults. And I have no regrets about adopting them. It was a wonderful family to raise. Sure we fought our battles, with racism, sexism, all those isms. It brought us closer. No matter where they chose to live in this country, these issues would have been a part oftheir lives. Your daughter and grandson are fortunate, I said to the woman, to have you for a mother and grandmother. I can tell you really love them. A week later I received a letter. It said, "The clear little one is doing very_ well, as are his two Moms. I didn’t expect to feel so protective as a grandmother. I felt so understood by you. Thanks so much.” That’s why I attended the Adoptive Parents group. I wanted to"say, Yes, there will be problems. Yes, some ofthe problems will be because the child is from another culture, whether it be Korea or a gay community. But most of the problems will be those that children, no matter how they enter a family, will have: Who am I? Who are my family and friends? What do I need to know to live? To face life as a loved child does make a difference. We all long to protect our children. We ean’t. We can only wrap them in love, give them the knowledge we have, and pray. 7 Lynn Martin is a poet, AIDS educator, and writer who lives in Brat!/eboro. $5/a <1/lama (:7(IoIu>s1/ , CI/mmon/b A 362-4484 www.vi||ageflon'stvt.com ~=<'z>«<:>-®«®«<:¢>«e>««<:>«<:>-<:> Clifford D. Troll, Jr., Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist - Doctorate I68 Battery Street Burlington, Vermont 0540] 802.862.0836 ctrott@together.net °C%>°<}<>°<’5><*°<§<>°°®e<§<>°°