SOCIALLY RESPONSIVE HNANUALI SERVICES SINCE 1985 Practice limited to male clientele THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE William Coil, NCMT 802-658-2390 800'830-5025 - 9.¢.¢.¢.¢.¢.¢. BOB GREEN, LCMHC LICENSED CLINICAL MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR SOUTH BURLINGTON, VERMONT (302) 658-2390 (800) 830-5025 INDIVIDUALS 85 COUPLES MAGELIAN, VI-IAP. MEDICAID & MANY omen INSURANCE PROGRAMS ACCI-ZPTED CENTER OF NORTHERN COUNSELING PSYCHOTHERAPY FOR INDIVIDUALS, Comes, FAMILIES VERMONT. 0 Coming Out 0 Sexual Identity 0 Life Transitions Family Issues 0 Separations - Endings/Loss - Bill McBr00m LICSW 802.229.5220 Lynn Goyette LCMHC 802.860.6360 BURLINGTON: MONTPELIER GARLAN"D RI‘N G5’ in 14k and fine colored A gemstones by Timothy Grannis. -“arse-3 - Sun 12-5 Churd-I& Bank, Burlington - 660-2032 - awrence and Chris have I been friends for years. hey met during college and have remained close through a series of jobs, boyfriends and assorted adven- tures. A few weeks ago, they both got-hired by the same company and decided to treat each other to an expensive din- ner to celebrate. They stopped at a couple bars on the way home and ‘ended up at Lawrence-’is apartment for a nightcap. ' According to their identical retellings of the tale, what happened next was com- pletelyvunexpected. They were sitting on the sofa talking about their new salary and benefits packages when they calls, they had no contact with those sex—only pals. Lawrence and Chris didn’t want to merely add another playmate to their lists at the expense of losing a good friend. Yet, neither could pic- ture the other as a serious boyfriend. They liked being friends but also liked what they’d just shared. Can casual sex between friends really remain casual, and can the friends stay friends after sex? When I first met Dirk, years ago, he told me that he slept with all his friends. We gradually became friends and his string of bedded buddies " was uninterrupted. It was pecu- liar, at first, to experience get- ting laid in such a laid back ‘ a eneits n Riks ognized that we’d each gotten lulled into the comfort and convenience of a handy, randy One night, that same year, another friend and lgot frisky and, though risky, decid- ed to make our relationship sex-inclusive. Scott was a great guy and appending the pleasur- . able extras to our friendship I seemed to go without a hitch. During that same period, I was dating a gentleman who trav- eled occasionally for business. Not coincidentally, when he was out of town, I spent more time with Scott. That pattern went on for a couple months, though it wasn’t long before Scott began to resent feeling like a seat filler at an awards show. He suggested that I would be better off being sin- gle and focusing on my I friends. Scott had repeatedly denied any desire for us to be If full-blown boyfriends. He said l that he liked our arrangement‘ just as it was and didn’t think we should take a chance by adding romance. So he clung‘ ’ to what we already had rather I \ If _.. ,.._._,___._ can casual sex between friends really remain casual, and can friends stay friends after sex? found themselves making out and groping each other’s pack- ages. And, without discussing what was happening, they went from being friends to being friends with benefits. Was it the cocktails or the convenience of congenial cocks and tails that led them to their lusty linking? Neither was a stranger to the foreplay- facilitating power of alcohol and neither had been particu- larly active, in tenns of sex, in recent months. So, their pumps were primed. As they languished on Lawrence’s bed, after injecting the carnal component into their friendship, they pondered the impact of their actions. They both had men in their lives who were strictly sex buddies. A call to one of those chums for a no-strings romp in the sack yielded results but no real connection beyond the physical. Between way but I was able to adapt. We’d go to a movie or museum and, afterward, instead of a hug or quick kiss goodbye, we’d go back to Dirk’s apartment and have sex. It’s not something we talked about or planned but it was a tacit assumption that whenever we got together, we got togeth- er. At his birthday party, I met a roomful of guys who were also enjoying enhanced companionship with Dirk. A group of us clustered in the kitchen to compare notes and, of course, to compare our- selves to each other. We discovered that all of us had stopped looking for other romantic or sexual rela- tionships soon after we’d got- ten acquainted with Dirk. In addition to the realization that Dirk was having sex with a lot of guys and we were all get- ting it only from Dirk, we rec- than explore what we might have had, instead. Like most complex relationships that appear to be simpler than they are, casual sex between friends requires a lot of communication and clearly established parameters. Even then, there are still inher- . ent dangers. At its best, a friend- ship with benefits can offer a safe, nurturing environment for sexual expression. But, at its worst, it can be a tangled mess of co-dependence that’s more of a trap than a safety net. _ Are the benefits worth the risks? Ask a friend. V D. Scott-Bush ’s work appears throughout the country. E-mall him at NakedC uri0sity@aol. com. ‘I friendship with benefits. I