The

ow that the straight
NSuperbowl has
come and gone, it

can mean only one thing:
the Oscars. For awhile now
I’ve thought of the
Academy Awards as the
Gay Superbowl because we,
as a community, seem to
understand the rules and the
history of the event, ‘use it
as an excuse to have a
party, and it’s full of added
extras we love the way
football fans (a.k.a. straight
people) like half-time
shows and new, expensive
commercials. _

For example, the
best Oscar trivia buffs I’ve
ever met are gay. Gays also
love a production, especial-
ly if it involves fashion,
closet cases, dick-shaped
awards (good for fags and

dykesi), movies, music, and

so on. The things to love at
the Oscars are boundless,
but usually start (for me)
with Joan and Melissa
Rivers’s inane but wonder-
ful pre-show broadcast on
El.

Joan Rivers is the
ultimate gal to show a boy

» like me a good time. She’s

rich, she’s funny, and she
acts like she’s drunk.
Melissa is not as good a
daughter/sidekick as say,
Tatum O’Neal was to dad
Ryan, or as the Judd daugh-
ter, but she makes the entire
affair more coherent than if
her mother did it by herself.
After all the

pageantry of the red carpet
(rich anorexic closet-case
nymphomaniacs on parade),
we have to sit through the
opening. number, the quality
of which depends on the
host. Billy Crystal always
has a song, but I prefer
WhoopiGoldberg as a host.
Of course, the last time
Goldberg hosted, she had to
have a pretend conversation
with Miss Piggy, but I’m

. willing toforgive and forget

for the sake of the awards.
As far as I can tell,
the Academy have a long
history of giving the award
to the wrong person. ,
Whether due to love affairs

or old age, very often the
golden statue does not_ go to
the person who has pro-
duced the “best” work. One

category where this
favoritism has been particu-
larly clearly seen lately is
the screenplay awards, I
which tend to go to the
most famous person nomi-
nated in the category
regardless of merit. Not that
love-of-my—life Matt
Damon and his boyfriend

 

ally without respect to the
role and performance. What
bothers me is that the win-
ners are determined by
some. weird Hollywood
rules and not my own!

I would like to give
out Oscars based on the
drama of it all. Instead of
giving out the award a few
years ago to Judi Dench for
Shakespeare in Love, I
would have given it to
Kathy Bates for Primary

There’s no way to judge
performances against any sort
ofiobjective standard;

it’s acting for God’s sake,

not figure skating.

Ben Affleck didn’t deserve
to win for Good Will
Hunting, but did the other
people nominated with
them even have a chance?

I have no problem
awarding the Oscars for
something other than “best
performance,” or “best cos-
tume design,” etc. I’m glad
that Julia Roberts won
because it was her turn and
not because they want us to
think that she was really
that good in Erin
Brockovich. There’s no way
to judge performances
against any sort of objective
standard; it’s acting for
God’s sake, not figure skat-
ing. In all seriousness,
though, I don’_t mind that
the awards are given virtu-

Colors. Kathy’s old, too,
and did a much better job in
the movie, and I would just
rather have her career get
the Oscar upswing. And,
she played a lesbian.

I can think of count-
less examples of how it
should have gone different-
ly in past years and know
that as soon as the winners
are announced this year, I
will feel the same way. In
response, I’m going to give
Out in the Mountains my

own Oscar opinions in all

the fun categories: (I should
preface this part of the
show by saying that I
haven’t really seen that
many movies this year, but
being an informed homo-
sexual, I’ve heard about all

of them, read reviews, and
heard friends talking. I’m
going to judge anyway.)

I Best Supporting Actor:
I haven’t seen any of the
movies nominated in this
category, but venture that
Ian McKellen will win for
The Lord ofthe Rings. They
have to give Rings some-
thing, McKellan deserves it
after losing to Roberto
Benini in 1999. Plus, he’s
one of the only out gay
actors there is.

I Best Supporting)
Actress: I’ve only seen In
the Bedroom in this catego-
ry, but feel confident,
because of all the hype, that
Jennifer Connelly (A
Beautiful Mind) will win.
The two old English women
both nominated for Gosford
Park (Maggie Smith and
Helen Mirren) are deserv-
ing, but more or less cancel
each‘ other out. Kate Winslet
(Iris) bores me and Marisa
Tomei (In the Bedroom)
already won an Oscar.

I Best Actor: This catego-
ry is remarkable this year
because for the first time
two Black actors are nomi-
nated (Denzel Washington
and Will Smith), last year’s
winner (Russell Crowe) is
nominated again, and
there’s an awards-show out-
sider (Sean Penn). The fifth
nominee is Tom Wilkinson I
from In the Bedroom..All
reports seem to think that
Russell Crowe (A Beautiful
Mind) is going to win, and
it wouldn’t be the first time I
that schizophrenia has
helped. I’d love to see Will
Smith (Ali) win because I
think he’s fantastic, but I
hear his performance is too
much impersonation rather
than portrayal. Sean Penn is
a good actor, too, but really
should have won in 1996
for Dead Man Walking. I
have no opinion on Denzel
Washington (Training Day)
andthink that Tom
Wilkinson’s accent was
good enough in In the
Bedroom. It’ll probably end

..;..

 

up with Russell Crowe win-
ning his second in a row.

I Best Actress: This cate-
gory is my favorite and will
also disappoint me the most
this year. By my reckoning,
this year is the year of
Nicole. Ms. Kidman
divorced Tom Cruise (while
he proved his heterosexuali-
ty in courts around the
world and cavorted with
another woman) and had
two fantastic roles in two
excellent films, Moulin
Rouge and The Others. In
my perfect Oscar world, she
would have been nominated
for The Others, but in fact
is recognized for her role in
Moulin Rouge. I think she
should win. She’s amazing,
but all the hype is pointing
to Sissy Spacek (In the
Bedroom), even though she
won back in 1981 for Coal
Miner is Daughter. The
actresses nominated are a
good bunch, Judi Dench
(Iris), Renee Zellweger
(Bridget Jones is Diary), and
Halle Berry (Monster 3'
Ball). I liked Spacek, but

_ would prefer Nicole. It

would be amazing to have
Halle Berry win (as the first
black lead actress to win an
Oscar), but unless some-
thing crazy happens, it
probably won’t happen.

I don’t want to talk
about Best Director or Best
Picture, because Baz
Luhrman was not nominat-

ed for the best-directed film '

of the year, Moulin Rouge,
and Ron Howard (A
Beautiful Mind) will proba-
bly win. At any rate, the
Oscars are coming and are
the gay event of the season.
Let’s just hope some of the
gays who win are ones who
are not ashamed to say so.
V