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7 Good legal advice

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V

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n|:arni|vu

agdom has made my

life difficult, especial-

ly when it came to
family and how I related to
them. Not to assume of
course that the relating is
over because I am constant-
ly surprised how complex
my family really is. The
intonation of a hello or
good-bye has always

- revealed another dimension

to our simple salutations.

I blamed most of my
family for the stress and
fear I had that was a result
of sensing a difference in
me. There are countless sto-
ries I can recall of trying to
adjust my walk, or adjust
the way I spoke, wanting to
desperately hide any trace
of my more mixed gender.
All of this self-loathing cre-
ated such a vicious cycle.

Teenage angst has
paid off well. It was a well-
spring of beautifully con-
structed poetry about death
and dear old friends like

 

of the string finally comes
to rest, it is no longer
trapped in its endless side-
to—side motion.

In this balanced
state now, interactions with
my family have become
less stressful and are not
weighed down by look-
what-you-did-to-me idiocy.
My mother has taken the
brunt of this behavior the
most, but I no longer blame
her for my current state of
affairs and potpourri of bad
habits. I hope to give her a
smidgen of peace with my
new self; she deserves it.

I just discovered a

I knew that my experience here
would be uncomfortable and
awkward at times, but I also
knew there would be an
incredible gift waiting on the
other side of my last issue.

razor blades, shotguns, and
blood. Guilt was there.
Death was almost there.
And when I could not
explain the despair, my
makers were the victims to
my projectory.

The recognition of
an internal balance was the
sign that the angst had dis-
sipated. I visualized this
process functioning as a
pendulum does when it is
pulled back and set free
with the object returning to
the other side just as high.
When the object at the end

new knowledge in a place
that 1 least expected. With
my decision to leave Out in
the Mountains, I have
decided to continue to pur-
sue my interest in writing,
which will lead to a number
of sacrifices that I am now
ready to make. With thisin
mind, I have found a
dimension to myself that
relates with the experience
my mother similarly had
when she made the decision
to sacrifice any career path
that she may have had to
join my father in a military

 

Lessons

family lifestyle around the
United States. I am sure
they made this decision
being aware of the dead
ends that they faced in the
Northeast Kingdom here in

-Vermont. Did they want

their children to have the
same unexciting childhood
that they had had? Did they
want to give their children a
chance at rindirg a way to
survive with their own cre-
ative passion?

4 I feel a sense of res-
olution with this new
knowledge, a sense of
familiarity. I knew that my
experience here as editor
would be very uncomfort-
able and awkward at times,
but I also knew that there
would be an incredible gift
waiting for me on the other
side of my last issue. This
experience has allowed me
to step out of my angst and
adolescence, and to under-
stand within myself that I
am finally a man.

In my pursuit for a
family and a sense of
belonging, I have consid-
ered the A-Z community,
but blood makes a louder
noise now, as do my friends
up ahead.

Thank you to my
family for giving me the
opportunity to unfold in this

way. Thank you to everyone

who raised an eyebrow or
two in bewilderment to my
manner of expression.
Thank you to the
secret language I share with
only my friends. Thank you
to my mother who has
repeatedly surprised me
with her depth of care and
concern. Thank you to con-

descending assholes. Thank I

you to Brad for irritating ‘
the hell out of me and

showing me that I can be - -

loved. Thank you to Ghita ,
and Alan, my writing par- -
ents. Thank you to Sky, my
phantom limb. ,

Thank you.-You
were the necessary elements
to this new freedom. V