Where are the Public Father Figures?A BY MICHAEL ALVEAR Why do we have public mother figures but not public father figures? Where are the male versions of Judy Shepard and Betty DeGeneres? » It’s not that there haven’t been straight men that’ve taken brave stands on our behalf. Reverend Jim Creech was defrocked because he had this radical notion that human A beings were equal in the eyes of God and continued officiat— .» t ing at commitment ceremonies for gay men and women despite church orders against it. And certainly Judy Shepard’s husband Dennis has eloquent- ly defended us. His statement to the jury during the sentencing phase of his son’s murder trial is one of the most moving, sear- ing speeches I’ve ever heard or read. But as strong and courageous as these men have been, they have not risen to the level of “Public Parent” in the way Judy Shepard and Betty DeGeneres have. Some of it has to do with our own distrust of straight men — a well-earned distrust. An alarm- ingly high proportion of lesbian girls and gay women have experienced some kind of emotion- al, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of straight men (some psychologists believe it’s near 20 percent of the lesbian population). » - We gay men don’t fare much better. We get beaten up or killed by them far too often. I think we fear straight ‘men too much to embrace them as father figures in the way we embrace women as mother figures. A That’s a shame because we need these public figures. Some of us are starved for the love of our fathers, a love that came easily when we pretended to be who they wanted us to be, but dried up 'when we stopped pretending. I think we fear straight men too much to embrace them as father figures in the way we embrace women as mother figures. If we ever adopt a public father figure I hope it’s someone like Jeff Ellis. Jeff likes to pretend he’s a simple country bumpkin. He calls himself “Jeffro,” after the dirn—witt_ed character in the old Beverly Hillbillies TV show (Jethro). _ But there’s nothing simple or dim—witted about “Jeffro.” He is one of the most thoughtful voic- es on the issue’ of parents with gay children. . What makes Jeff all the more compelling is how violently he reacted to his son coming out. “I couldn’t have a gay son,” he recalled. “I was in the construction business for God’s sakes!” No way was Jeff going to have one of “those” kinds of sons. So off he shipped him to psy- chologists and homophobic clergy, off he went looking for girls to set him up with. And off he went into a bottomless well of shame and secrecy. . . Jeff climbed out of the well like all wells were meant to be climbed out of — with blood, sweat and tears. By lifting himself off his fear and onto love he got some footing. By letting go of expec- tations he could reach for acceptance. Bit by bit he did this until he was out of the hole he had flung himself into. A" Today Jeff is the kind of father a lot of us . A long for. He once compared our human , rights struggle to African—Americans in this , way: “I have no magic answer why God cre- , ated some of His children gay. I do know that A He does not withhold His love from them any more than He did His black ‘children, even though some of His white children ' thought He should.” gay functions and fundraisers: “At every gay gathering we go to, the thing that haunts me the most is the way my wife and I are stared at simply because we’re there to support our son. Our being there with Adam often caus- es gay folks more pain because they long so desperately for their parents to do the same.” He made these remarks in a website he and his wife Patti launched to help parents deal with their children’s orientation (www.familyacceptance.com.). When I helped edit the website I thought, “How could such beautiful sentiments come out of a man who calls himself ‘Jeffro.”’ V It’s a mystery. I tell him that all the time. As Jeff gets invited to speak to more groups he may just emerge as the public father figure so many of us crave. A figure that would give our own fathers some way of “At every gaygathering we go to, the thing that haunts me the most is the way my wife and l are stared.at simply because we’re there to support our son. Our being there with Adam often ‘causes gay folks more pain because they longso desperately for their ’ parents to do thesame." — Jeff Ellis when our real fathers will not. The author can be reached at mic/9aelalz2ear@medz'aone.net. VIEWS november 2001 AOITM - 15 BOB GREEN M.A. LICENSED CLINICAL MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR South Burlington (802) 658-2390 (800) 830-5025 Michael Gigante, Ph.D. Psychosynthesis Counseling, Psychotherapy, 65* Consultation (802) 254-8032 53 Myrtle St., Brattleboro, VT 05301 e—mail mgigante@t0gether.net E3 FeministTheraDy ' Leah Wittenberg Licensed Mental Health Counselor Psychotherapy for individuals and couples 82 Church St., Burlington sliding fee scale (802)658-9590 ext.4 °<§‘>°<§>°<§‘>°<’§‘.>°<§.‘>°<’s‘>°<¥.‘>°°<7§>°<§‘.> Clifford D. Trott, Jr., Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist — Doctorote 168 Battery Street Burlington, Vermont 05401 ' 802.862.0836 ctrott@together.net °g>°g>°°%°@°@A°@°@°@>°<§> COUNSELING CENTER OF NORTHERN VERMONT PSYCHOT Family Issues 0 Separations - Endings/Loss 0 Coming Out 0 Sexual Identity 0 Life Transitions Bill MCBr00m ucsw 802.229.5220 Lynn Goyette LCMHC 802.860.6360 BURLINGTON MONTPEALIER And here’s what he said about attending, Susan McKenzie MS. Jungian Psychoanalyst Licensed Psychologist — Master Specializing in issues of Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transgendered individuals and couples Quechee — White River Junction (802) 295-5533 Insurance Accepted reaching out to us. A figure who will love us . James Nelson Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (802) 651-7764 Burlington, VT05401