of a generation gap doesn’t
seem to do itjustice.
I’ve had insights that

have given me glimpses of

how bad it.has been and
will be for me if‘I» can’t
unlearn this. I’m certain
I’ve missed out on a lot of
great sex because of my
beauty addiction. I’ve seen
men in their fifties and six-
ties dancing near groups of
shirtless twentysomethings,
desperately trying to gain
what I now see was notjust
sex, but some kind of

_ acceptance no matter how

small. It’s horrible to be
despised by the only people
you think you can desire. I
learned this a long time
ago, as a teenager in high
school yearning after
straight classmates and to
my dismay I’m learningit
again.

As usual, I’ve put off
changing myself as long as
I could. It’s only as the
young men and women I’ve
pursued became younger
and younger than me that
I’ve come to understand the
costs. For example, how
different the, concerns of,
say, somebody in their
early twenties are from the
concerns of somebody in
their late thirties. Its only

4 after vividly imagining my

face twenty years from now

_,anAd_how I’ll feel looking
‘(like that that I’ve under-

stood how wrinkles are bad
enough in themselves with-
out also functioning as the
bars of a cage. '
No, I’m not looking to
transform myself complete-
ly. What I’m in search of is
freedom‘ from my fetish, my
addiction. Even if I’d
rather have partners whose
flesh is still fitted tightly
around their bones to my
dying day, I’d be happy just
to learn how to get busy

"with and get off on a wider

range physical types. I
would have been much
much happier ifI had this
capacity twenty years ago.
I have the uneasy sense that

much less than twenty
years from now the matter
will have matured into one
of survival rather than mere
happiness.

So I’m making forays
into this unknown territory
again. It’s terrifying to
have to acknowledge the
necessity of it much less
actually do it. But I found
something that makes me
hopeful even while I fight
against it_ as I do against
change of any kind.

I’ve been to some social
gatherings during the last
year where there were guys
of all ages. More than once
I’ve caught myself fee_ling
attraction to some features
of men in their forties or
older. Legs, torso, some-
thing. .
(Even as I’m writing this
I’m feeling stabs of embar-
rassment that I felt such
unspeakable things towards
these men. Just like the
embarrassment I felt as a
teenager coming out.)
Now, the fascinating thing
about this to me is that
these stirrings of attraction
don’t feel like anything
new at all.

They feel like something
that I’ve been capable of all
along and which from dire
necessity I’m allowing
myself access to only now.
Furthermore, when some of
these guys touched me, I
felt some of these touches
as enjoyable, even sexual.
One of them who I really
liked, I even touched back
and when I did so it was not
only a concession to cour-
tesy. There was even a
tremor of invitation to it.

This may not seem like
much to you, but I know it
for what it is: evidence that
I can make myself free.

There’s something else
that I’ve noticed, although I
don’t understand it yet. I
didn’t get ill for my 39th
birthday. Its almost as if
I’ve been inoculated.
Maybe I can even have my
birthdays back. You never

know.

I was with two young,

friends this summer at
Huntington Gorge, both in
their early twenties, both
buff and smooth (if‘ not
mesomorphs.) One of ‘us
said something about how
beautiful the bottle green
water was and we all
glanced down at the same
time. Just at that moment,
a man we’d seen earlier
who looked like he was in
his sixties was vigorously
swimming about a foot
beneath the surface right in
front of us.

“Beautiful,” said one sar-
castically. He turned to his
boyfriend.

“Yeah,” he said just as
sarcastically. They looked
at each other and laughed.
They were, after all, shar-
ing a fine joke and they
were certain who the joke
was on.

My guts twisted and I
said nothing because I real-
ly didn’t»think anything I
had to say then would make
any difference. But I
thought, looking at the old
man’s blurry outline in the
water, his gray head, the
crack of his ass: actually he
is. But not sexy. And then
(almost as if in a whisper):
but he could be.

It seems to me as a

‘gnarled and withered gray-

beard of 39 that we’ve all
got lots to learn and
unlearn at any age.

F QES octob_er20Q;1  - 13

   

9 North’ Main Street! - Wallingtord, VT 05773
, 802/446-2430 fax: 802/446-6182

www.simply-rnedlcinecom - Email: guiIan12@aoI.com

Joseph Kress, M. A.

Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor
Licenscrl Alcohol and Drug Counselor

Individual and Couples Counseling
Adults and Adolescents

802-89 544993

55 Seymour l.-anc Newport, Vermont

Participants are needed
for a study of gay and les-
bian relationships. The
study requires completing
, a brief, anonymous sur-
vey. If you are in a committed relation-
ship of_ at least four months’ duration
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scampbe1@middlebury.edu for more
information. Those who submit com-
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