14 ° O|Tl"l september 2001 FEATUQES Offender continued from page thirteen about 1987. EB: When did you realize that you were attracted to boys? How old ‘were the boys? Does this attraction have any- thing to do with your being gay? If not, why not? I started acting out with boys in the spring of my fresh- man in college. What I didn’t» realize at that time is what I know now — my sexual maturi- ty had frozen back in the 7th grade. As I grew physically, I was still frozen at puberty age » socially and sexually. But I was homesick (my parents moved away just before I started college in the town where I grew up), and I had pledged a fraternity, like all my buddies in high school had done. Up to now, there hadn’t been serious pressure to date ~ just some subtle urging by Mom. Now, it was expected and I picked up on the male hormone factory that college campuses can be — and I believe it was very intimidat- ing for me. I spent many long distance calls moaning [to my parents] about being in over my head in classes, _etc., not liking the dorm life of a fraternity (I am an only child and this was first time I had to share a room and a bathroom). But the real rea- son I was terriblyupset was one I didn’t/couldn’t reach in discussion with my folks. I was so out of place in the’ social firestorm of a fraternity and it never stopped. From a need for dates to almost every- thing to just hearing the [sexu- al] interactions [among oth- ers], I can see it was getting to me. (And remember, emotion- ally I am at a 7th grade level — which I didn’t understand at that time). So, by the spring my system sought a release [in] something I found comforting. It was interaction with boys around the age of my growing up — at that time they had to be in the 7-9 age range. Whether this has to do with me being gay or not, I am not sure. I guess the fact it was boys may mean something. Jumping ahead to my recovery, I know [that] oncel uncovered all these answers and found my sexual maturity had frozen, and then also accepting the fact I was attracted to guys and had made a verbal and emo- tional acceptance (in therapy) that I was gay, I have not had a problem of acting out, or a serious drive to want to be sex- ual with a child underage since. I believe getting com- fortable with..who I really am as a person, accepting that identity, beginning to explore [relationships with] persons who are age-appropriate and gaining a confidence in that orientation has been very empowering for me. EB: How did you approach the boys you were sexual with? What relationship did you have with them? What leverage did you use to get them to be sexu- al with you and not to tell? I did it by cruising and get- ting into conversation [with a boy]. I bought some porn mag- azines and would see if they wanted to see them. The ones who showed the most interest, I pursued into more action — even in the car. That continued for a while longer. I was sus- pended from the first [college] I attended because of a second arrest for this behavior. No charges were filed, but I was terminated from the school. I. had therapy, but the questions never were specific to my interest and desire to be inti- mate with boys. [The therapy] dealt with all the generic ques- tions I heard in 20 years of therapy — tell about your father, your mother; how about your social life? Tell about your stress in work. Nobody ever asked whyI liked playing with little boys. I now see that I was entrenched in denial, and if nobody would ask me these very intimate questions, I was not going to share it. Later on, I began seeking out boys I knew, either from the town I lived in, or boys who played‘ baseball for me on teams I coached, or had broth- ers who had played. By being active in the sports program, I knew the kids and the families, and it was a close interaction. I gained a large network of boys that way. I didn’t see the leverage or manipulation I was develop- ing. I had [the power of] posi- tion in the community where I was. Especially at the time before my last arrest, where I was coach, but also as editor/publisher of the paper and [because I] covered the school activities very in-depth. I was a big fish in a small pond. I learned the kids in . town all knew about my behavior, but the adults did not. ’ I never put pressure on a boy not to talk. I didn’t see it that way, I don’t believe. See, for me, what we were doing was our date, my social life, and though that is despicable when you think about it, that is what it was. So, who would ask their date mt to say any- thing? I do recall one boy say- ing no when I showed an advance to him. I told him I would never approach him again and we even knew each other beyond that. EB: Correct me if anything among the following facts is wrong: You were arrested in two different states for molest- ing adolescent boys. I was arrested in Oklahoma during college, but charges were dropped for lack of evi- dence. That was in the l960s and there was very little expe- rience in handling sexual abuse cases. ‘EB: You were jailed in the first state but received only some general addiction coun- seling for treatment. I was jailed briefly in Oklahoma, and the counseling I received was not even to the extent of addiction behavior — the assessment (what there was of it) did not see that pattern-at all. It was just general counsel- ing with first a psychologist and then a psychiatrist. I‘ would say neither had training in the field of sex abuse behav- ior. EB: You were awaiting sen- tencing the second time when you discovered Fred Berlinis treatment program at Johns Hopkins, were sentenced, served time, then returned to Johns Hopkins to enter the . treatment program. ’ Yes, after my arrest in Kansas and my realization it could lead to a second convic- tion and incarceration, I was just housed at a treatment cen- ter where I had gone upon parole about 10 years earlier after the first prison stint. This facility had put me in their substance abuse program and said they had no sex abuse block of counseling, but felt A my behavior seemed to fit a similar pattern. They told me that each time I heard “drugs” or “alcohol abuse,” to compare it to my sexual activity. It seemed to fit and I found the 12-step introduction to be helpful. While at that clinic, I was contacted by some friends in the Kansas community wherel had lived. They had seen an installment of the Donohue show with a therapist named Dr. Fred Berlin of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, talking about a case in San Antonio. A convicted rapist was being given proba- tion and directed to move to Baltimore and receive the medication _Depo-Provera to lower his sex drive and be on probation. Upon hearing about it, I contacted my attorney. He was able to contact Dr. Berlin’s office and we were able to negotiate with my judge to let me go to Baltimore (at my cost) and be evaluated at Hopkins [in place of] my pre-sentence investigation (I had pled guilty). Leery of the move and feeling some pres- sure of the high visibility of my case, the judge let it be known that I could make this move, but that I had already served prison time previously‘ and that it washis intention that I would on this sentence also. The assessment there [at Johns Hopkins] took about three weeks and-it was very extensive. One of the most important pieces of informa- tion I gained was the fact my testosterone count is about double that of the average male. So, it told me that I needed to gain a strategy to stay away from arousing cir- cumstances, occurs, and I’ve broken a boundary, the hormone and the normal sex drive takes off. This is the kind of information I had never known about myself. I realized how driven I was — I didn’t understand why. Because basically, I have a good value system and come ‘ from a solid family and cultur- al background. After the evaluation, I was discharged from inpatient treatment and my attorney urged me to work out a hous- ing process [there in Baltimore] and get into as much outpatient therapy as I could — just cram it in while the judge hadn’t [yet] asked me back for sentencing. It turned into about 4 months. I attended 42 group therapy ses- sions — more than most people have in a lifetime. I heard it all. This literally was a crash course on sexual behavior and just sex education. It was like a second education to me and the most important knowledge ' I ever gained. We negotiated for Dr. Berlin to attend my sentencing hear- ing, and he also spoke about the clinic where I had been housed. Unfortunately, the judge was not [impressed], and even made the comment in his sentencing statement “This is a courtroom, not a hospital,” as he sent me to prison. My plan put in place for Baltimore then became a parole plan. And even ti-"ugh I was passed over by the parole board once, that did eventually become the plan I fulfilled I returned to Baltimore in the spring of 1989. I was placed in one of the outpatient groups — for once that I ‘involved boys]. I know the triggers that, just like the kind I had attend- ed under that intensive stay in the winter of 1983-84. EB: Do you know whether any of the boys you victimized later came out as gay? I do-not know about all the‘ boys whom I victimized in Oklahoma. In Kansas, I do not know of any circumstances for any of them. EB: Can you explain how you keep separate now what part of your sexuality was about being gay and what part was about being an adult male attracted to underage boys? I will always have an attrac- tion to adolescent boys. Now, with all I possess in empathy and understanding the impor- tance of respecting their inno- cence, their privacy, their right to grow intoa normal sexual life, and having met and talked with many persons who have been victimized and seen their struggles, I believe what I sense. more today is an empa- thy for them, rather than an attraction. V I I have safeguards in place to keep from being too closely with [underage could lead me to go further in relationship with them. I am so happy that many kids with questions in their makeup and their lives now have outlets to seek assistance. However, a huge concern I have is for all the young ‘people — boys and girls — with relationship issues within their families. There are so many single parent families and where the parents work all the time. Quality time with their kids is limited. Are they meeting the emotional needs of their children? Are the kids seeking that need elsewhere? It is when a person with a make- up — like I have had in the past .— can sense that ‘vulnerability and befriend the child and somewhere down the road, ’ break boundaries of the child’s physical space. EB: What do you think about the stereotype that gay men are child molesters? I know that there is a thought among those who don’t take the time to get to know gays — that gays are all attracted to children and sexu- ally want to exploit them. It is a terrible insult to many men and women who are wonderful with children. . EB: Aren’t you the embodi- ment of that image?