‘Thoughts on Depression

Crow's Caws

 
   

I used to be chronically
depressed. Before I discovered
a vocabulary for feminism in
the early 70’s, a lot of my
depression was related to not
recognizing that I was being
systematically oppressed. I
translated society’s hatred
towards women as self-hatred.
A few years after that, I was so

reluctant to abandon my het-I

erosexual family to come out
as a lesbian, that fear turned
into depression. Then, when I
came out as a full-blown radi-
cal lesbian feminist, my ten-
dency towards depression took
another form — resistance to
being polluted by the patri-
archy.

For tlye purposes of this arti-°
cle, I would like to define
depression as a persistent voice
in our heads that tells us we are
worthless, hopeless and
doomed. This strain of nega-
tive thinking feels relentless,
tends to haunt us a good part of
the day, drains our energy so it
becomes difficult to function
and feels dreadfully isolating.
In terms of a chemical imbal-
ance, I’m sure that there’s a
mind/body connection, but I’m
not going to argue which
comes first — the chemical
imbalance or the chronic nega-
tive thinking. I’ll leave that up
to you and your healer.

When I labeled myself a
revolutionary, I didn’t feel as
depressed because I managed
to keep my anger directed out-
ward. I theorized that I was not
just being paranoid. On the
contrary I had adequate evi-
dence stemming from thou-
sands of years of male domina-
tion, that if we weren’t going to
be blown off the face of the
earth by a nuclear holocaust,
we were going to strangle our
planet slowly by pollution or,
at the very least, sell our souls
to multinational corporations
so we wouldn’t even recognize
freedom if we tripped on it. I
became very attached to my
status as an angry outsider. I
might not be very popular,
might not be able to “fit in,”
might not be considered “nor-
mal,” but at least I wouldn’t be
sold out.

As a matter of fact, I became
so attached to my image as
renegade that my old penchant
for depression kicked in again.
I think I subconsciously hung
onto my gloom and anger
because I figured it was the
least I could do to ward off evil
spirits (i.e. the dominant cul-
ture) that was causing the mess
we are in. If I felt myself
drawn to the mainstream, I got
worried. I couldn’t enjoy
straight movies or books too

By Crow Cohen

I still take action around my politics,
but l’ve decided it’s a bit arrogant for
me to assume the world is about to
end. What the hell do I know what’s
around the bend? If I listen to the
news too much I can get sucked into
believing thatevil rules.

much because I objected to the
invisibility of lesbian or female
oppression. I couldn’t picture
myself actually loving an ordi-
nary job where most of the
people I came in contact with
didn’t recognize the implica-
tions of my bumper full of
stickers. I never figured I
could learn much from conver-
sations that didn’t directly deal
with how racism, sexism, anti-
Semitism and homophobia
played out in our lives. I hated
holidays unless they were
“reframed” by my radical poli-
tics. And most of all, I was
convinced that optimism was
foolhardy and naive.

My brand of depression
became habit-forming. I was
backing myself into a comer in
the name of saving the world.
I’m happy to report that I no
longer feel gripped by prog-
noses of imminent demise -
my own, or the planet’s. How
I recovered from chronic
depression is another story, but
what intrigues me is how I’ve
been able to give up notions of
outsider-hood and still consid-
er myself “a good enough radi-
cal” (as well as a good enough
mother/grandmother, a good
enough social worker, and a
good- enough cook.)

I’ve found that most of my
deepest joy occurs in the mid-

dle of having an ordinary day. A

I love my routine — getting up
early in the morning and jour-
naling, doing ‘a little modest
exercise, preparing lunch for
work, driving off to my very
human job, hanging ‘out with
friends or family on the week-
ends, plugging away at writing.
There was a time when I would
regard such an existence as
petty bourgeois. Now I call it
simply undramatic, which is a
big relief. I still" speak up. I
still take action around my pol-
itics, but I’ve decided it’s a bit
arrogant for me to assume the
world is about to end. What
the hell do I know what’s
around the bend? If I listen to
the news too much I can get
sucked into believing that evil
rules.

When I proclaim I’m no
longer habitually depressed, I
don’t mean that I always feel
good, or that life doesn’t deal

me blows, or that I never feel
anxious, confused, angry, jeal-
ous, irritable, or lonely. Itjust
means that I’m no longer
attached to an image of myself
as lurking on the edges of soci-
ety condemning $l.79 “happy
ending” hot fudge sundaes at
Friendly’s (my fave.) Mostly it
means that I’m no longer
ashamed to admit that I’m just
sort of your average, run-of-
the-mill, middle-aged lesbian
who narrowly escaped sinking
into a pit of despair as a way of
life.

Crow Cohen is a lesbian
feminist who lives in Winooski.

april 2001 OlTl'l ° 17

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