8 - OlTl’l april 2001 No Fags Allowed 1 sprinted inside to the last stall in the long bathroom. None of the stalls had doors." And as I sat there, I decided I would read the etchings of the previous visitors. Inthick black marker, some- one had decided to warn me of . the obvious — Why are there no doors on the stalls? » I asked myself the same question, expecting someone to take a quick peek at me at any minute in one of my more vul- nerable moments. I laughed to myself and decided I would check the other wall instead. I studied the handwriting for some time and wondered who could have written such a com- mand. The words were perfectly - clear — No Fags Allowed. Unfortunately, the horrific hex didn’t do the job it was meant to do because I was still sitting there hurrying so that no one would see me. ‘ Would a large spike from the ceiling suddenly fall and pierce through my chest because of my trespassing? And hell, even if _it did, I knew I would still walk out of the stall unharmed, half-naked if need be. ‘ Stop Being Rocks. Be a Bowl of Jell-o. A Float like Marshmallows. I have decided to call this issue The Floating Issue (I’ll allow a pause for laughter from the critics) and not because everyone seems to think that I’m always high based on my short article I wrote for the March issue, but because my experiences over the last month and the people that have come to the paper have created an atmosphere of _ care and love. I have amassed an incredible staff. They all put their hearts into these pages from month to month without a penny for their efforts. I had breakfast with my dear friend Jade Wolfe one morning recently. She has a very relax- ing yet powerful spirit to her. Her knowledge and experience is in every careful and inten- tional movement she makes with her hands and words. She gave me an herb packet that she had made especially for me. She had the incredible strength to look at me in the face and say, “You are a good person.” ' Her emotional directness is refreshing. Her openness and willingness to connect with others still affects me to this day. I revealed that I felt the same way about her, and that our friendship was natural and effortless. We hugged before I left. She made it clear that I would have a hug from her every day, ‘ even when I didn’t see her. The news editor, Chuck A Franklin, had breakfast with me in Winooski recently, too. His ability to share deeply per- sonal information about him- self reminded me of the time he and I stayed late after a staff - meeting and shared with one another thedifliculties we had had in our lifetimes. Disclosure creates respect cre- ates trust and makes the depth of the humanity around me unbearable at times. And of the e-mails that I have received, some from dis- gusted readers, others from readers simply intrigued, a humanity revealed itself to me as I realized that no matter what those words were that wept from those mouths, that we were all alike in every way — we all feel. All of the words, from news to views, have similar themes that run through them — a pas- sion for life, the desire for new view points and ways of seeing theworld around us, and the all too common word that many of us fear from day to day — change. . We may never get to see any of these people in their most intimate moments, but we can imagine them, alone, reading a book on a Sunday morning while still wearing pajamas, or buming incense and concen- trating on the beings present in , the rising smoke — or typing at their computers to meet my deadlines, or scratching out notes on napkins while out having a beer at a local bar. We-all blink. We all exam- ine our naked bodies in the mirror. We all have a favorite fruit. We all want to fall asleep in someone’s arms. I sense . all of this energy here in the text I would like to share with you — it rises up off the page in this issue,.repelling and attracting one another, much like the electricity in Brad Kessler’s Lick Creek. I put Tim Miller’s interview in the middle of this issue to give these ‘pages a spark at its center, so you could-feel the currents ripple out to the first page and the last until it finally reaches your fingertips. Pass’ it on to the next person you see and it will always come back to you. v _16,000 people. p 31,975 eyes’. I hope that many of you will applaud the vulnerability that B.J. Rogers has been willing to share with us in the article that I asked him to write for this issue. We all have the tenden- cy to hide many things because we feel that we have to. It is The Floatingllssue _[/I6 Hosrgua pane A Trooolétiovwtlx EdA1"O1/'L0(J/ by fazsovv Whopplex through our disclo- sure that we can reach out to one another, instead of iso- lating ourselves in a communi- ty that is too familiar with how isolation feels, from the world and ourselves. Mary Kraft, who presents a challenging view on gender identity in this issue, called the ofiice to talk with me about herself several weeks ago. She was unable -to fully capture the one-on-one experience that I had had with her over the phone in the article that she wrote, but her humanity and depth of character is one that I have learned from immensely. Her vulnerability is to be com- mended, whether we agree with it or not, especially while she explores and develops the endless possibilities that she is now discovering within her- self. Masking Tape. Padlocks. Pandora’s Box. Negative energies create boxes that trap us. I see an obsession with imi- tation in the world around me. This seems to be a symptom to a desire to not be one’s ‘self’. It appears to be the manifesta- tion of a denial we humans for- got about years ago that has finally come out through other means — violence in schools, for example, as Jade suggests in her article A Root ‘of Change. It does seem that we’re afraid of what‘we’ll find hiding deep within us. It is important for us to let everyone know that we are alive, complex, diverse, and . full of heart, just like any other . human on this world. When we allow ourselves to be ‘b_oxed"by others, we are only doing harm to ourselves. We need to free ourselves of the fear that lurks within us. It can never kill us. When we let them go, they are shed from us the way snakes shed their skins, constantly revealing something new underneath. When we try to project an image that was fed to us from the outside world and continue to hide our own hearts, our dis- section is inevitable. And even my usage of the .word ‘outside’ suggests that there is an ‘inside’. I was once cursed with this-way that-way Western "thinking that forced me to choose from only two options. Be-vision You’ll notice that the paper has been changing over the last few issues as I begin to intro- duce new ideas onto, these pages. I am thrilled to work with the art director, Stephanie Siebert, not only because I enjoy her company, but because her visual style fits_ well with my text. The purpose behind the redesign was to make the pages easier to navigate and to allow the visual aspect of the paper to project a sense of ease while reading it. Basically, I see the paper as a 36-page invitation to get more involved in issues that affect us around the state. Consider yourself invited. It is my goal to have a vari- ety of voices and perspectives each month, to identify impor- tant news and events that are happening here and elsewhere, to keep up-to-date on artistic and cultural events that are happening in our state, along with new literature and televi— ~ sion programs that are impor- tant for everyone to be aware of. The arts editor, Larissa Thompson, has been working closely with me to increase the coverage of timely events that will be occurring throughout the state so that you may be more informed about what is going on, as well as keep you informed about recently pub- lished books and movies which you may find of interest. With this issue, I have start- ed a listing of television pro- grams that are pertinent to our GLBTQA community; these are programs that may other- wise be hidden among the thousands of television chan- nels that we now have access to. Unfortunately, the genera- tional lines that divide us became very clear from the response to the last issue. I want to, as I con- tinue to organize the paper, to give voice to all generations here in Vermont and to present varying viewpoints. Everyone is welcome to participate in the sharing of ideas. Out in the Mountains is a place for us to stay connected and help one another out, just as the people are doing as they hold up the words ‘Community Compass’ on page 26. [Sigh] I am not the same person that I was last month because getting all of that garbage out of me and giving it back to the world has set me free. And having casted out all of the junk inside of me — expec- tations of me, trash given to me through the media — I have cleared ‘myself of it. To own my realities is to be limited by them. How I see the world is only a reflection of myself. And yes, everything is definitely in my head. I may be silent for the most part, but_I am always listening and always paying attention. I always know who is around me, behind me, and inside of me. I see my faults clearly, I work on them everyday; I do not own them though. Living is intense if I allow myself to feel my sensitivity. During the process of a shower, I write five books, raise a child, die silent still, and am reborn as I step back into the world and begin to dry myself off again. Every time I cast out what is inside of me, I am left with a new Jason. I look forward to a thousand Jasons from now, sol can look back on these words you’ve just read, and see the voice of a 23-year-old, eager to share the beast in his body, naive as hell, solid in his beliefs, and arrogant enough to think that he can actually make some difference in this world he was born into.