February 2001 | Out in the Mountains |11

I Love Me, I Love Me Not

 

BY ELLIOTT MATOS

As I wrote these thoughts
down for the February issue, I
found myself spending hours a
week working on different
paragraphs and different
thoughts, not truly happy with
what I would be saying. I went
back and forth, erasing and
rewriting sentences, and
replacing old ideas with new
ones. You see, I hadn’t really
experience singlehood before,
and when I had decided to
write about my experiences as
a new single man, I didn’t real-
ize the actual processing I
would be doing. I processed
every moment, every new

couples that would honor and
respect each other, till death do
they part. Yet, my relationship
was crumbling. We were left
with high walls that made us
feel trapped, unable to commu-
nicate without words of disser-
vice. We broke apart as people
in our community fought for
commitment and the celebra-

tion of couplehood.

I wish for this story to occur
for you in a different way,
though. I want to talk about
how great it was to have had
the experience of that relation-
ship, how meaningful it is to
me now, how great it is to uti-
lize everything I’d learned
from it in my current life, how

We broke apart as people in our
community fought for commitment
and the celebration of couplehood.

occurrence, and then wrote it
down to share with people I
didn’t know. I started asking
myself ifl should share with
strangers that it was hard to
separate myself from the long-
ing of waking up to the bril-
liant warmth of somebody’s
skin touching mine. Should I
share howl missyed the com-
panionship that occured when
people who were in love
checked-in with each other and

“discussed matters with each

other, whether it be serious or
silly? Well here it is folks, the
real me. 5

Writing about my experi-
ences being single here in
Vermont in the last six‘ months
was not only a form of therapy
for myself, but was a way to
share my own experiences with
you.

It began in mid 2000. The
summer was great; probably
the best Queer Pride. in the
country took place here in our
queen city as we celebrated the
passing of the civil union bill.
Vermont gays and lesbians
were in the public eye across
the world for the landmark law
on gay marriage. What a time
to be living life and to be revel-
ing in our green mountains.
But this is not about that his-
torical event; it’s about the his-
torical event that transpired in
my life, that was written about
in my history book. It is a plain
covered book that sits separate-
ly from the other books on my
dark wood nightstand with a
pen accompanying its side. The
event is about the journey that

started with growing separately’

from a partner I loved, as three
gay couples publicly
announced their love for each
other worldwide. They were

the separation from my lover
has taught me to find love
inside first — not the kind of
love that a person says they
have for themselves behind a
bottle of alcohol or a hit of E,
but the kind of love that one
has for themselves even when
they’re alone, with or without
another in their life to make
them -‘feel valid in their exis-
tence. It’s also the kind of love
that a person shares with others
despite titles for their relation-
ships.

While traveling back home
to Long Island for the first time
in six yearsas a single man, I
ran into a few people from my
New York gay ghetto-living
days. They were now acquain-
tances that were at one time
friends. These people had
passed through my life the way
that I had passed through many
of their lives, leaving memo-
ries and influences as well.
When I ran into those old
friends, I looked into their eyes
and saw myself. I conversed
with them as the man I had
grown into. As I spoke with
them I recognized the learnt
behaviors I now have and the
patience I have taught myself
to apply in my daily life, the
compassion I demonstrate, the
breaking of old habits I wish I
had been rid of before my past
romantic relationships: all
humane manners that in a
largely populated city one
could forget or never recog-
nize. I was experiencing every
moment like I never had
before, watching instead of
speaking, taking in every sec-
ond as if I had just been born.
Everything that passed by my
eyes and ears was new and
intriguing. I felt alive with a

sense of new old knowledge. It
was the kind of knowledge that
seemed familiar to me from a
long time ago, maybe as child,
the kind that fit into my being
with who I was that day.

I had started to appreciate all
my past and present relation-
ships I had had with friends
and lovers, acknowledging
what each person had brought
into my life.

I began feeling comfortable
with the thought of them; I was
happier in fact that I shared
what I did with them, and
thankful to the energy of the
Earth for bringing us together.
And grateful that our roads in
life connected for the times
they did, looking forward to
the future to see if our roads
would pass again so that I may
thank them for being who they
were when our paths had trav-
elled along side each other.

When I arrived back from
NY to celebrate New Year’s as
a single man, I found myself
fighting the urge to look for a
new relationship, wondering
why I yearned to be back in
one. Yet I found myself look-
ing, perhaps for a person to
share time with, a person to
know intimately, maybe even a
person I could potentially part-
ner with. I would remind
myself in those moments that
there was so much beauty that I
had found in being single, in
learning about myself, in con-
tinuing my education, in culti-
vating my spirituality and
political beliefs, in recreating
the strong bonds with my fam-
ily that I had had as a child.

Experiencing myself has
been the best part of this jour-
ney that will one day share its
road with others, but, for now,
it continues in the now as I
spend time with myself and
with meeting new people,
everyday with something new
to learn, and every moment a
growing one.

I still find myself going
through the memories of the
past, but with every bit of
courage I muster up inside, I
can finally say I accept myself,
excited in my rediscovery, hap-
pier and safe. '

A pzcrist at heart, Elliott
works at the Onion River Co-
op. On most days, he can be
spotted in downtown
Burlington trying rugs on as
skirts.

INTRODUCING..

R.U.1.2? Headquarters
Open-House Potluck
Friday, Feb. 16, 5:30-7:30pm.
Bring a dish to pass and your
vision for the future. See the
new space and meet some new
friends!

DIRECTIONS TO H0:

In Burlington, head south
down Battery $t., turn right '
on King St., make a hard

right onto Steele St. Park in
Main St. Landing Garage.

H0 is in Suite 113 of the

Wing Building located on
Steele St. Main Street Landing .
is located at the Waterfront
end of the free College

Street Shuttle and serves

as the commuter train station
for the Champlain Flyer.

Bending Biology,

' Bending Gender:
A Transgender
Filmfest and Discussion
Saturday, Feb. 17, 2-10pm.
Three movies at 2pm, 5pm,
8pm with discussion and
refreshments at R.U.1.2? HQ.
Call for film titles.

R.U.1.2? COMMUNITY CENTER

PO Box 5883, Burlington, VT 05402
thecenter@ru12.org www.ru12.org
802.860.RU12 (7812)

Elizabeth C. Campbell, CPA,’ PC

Certified Public Accountants
15 East Washington Street, Rutland 05701
802-773-4030 / liz@rallyCPA.com

Tax specialists serving individuals
and small businesses

  

RVMK North Professionals

www.condoguy.com

(802) 655-3333 EXT. 17
(800) 639-4520 EXT. 17

It’s about men
It’s about hair
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