receive delightful

 

BY ERNIE MCLEOD

Since I can approximate nei-
ther the girth. nor the jolly tem-
perament of the real Santa, let
me pretend for a moment to be
Santa’s right—hand gay elf, the
one who’s peeking over his
beard as he’s making that list
and checking it twice. So I’m
going to tell you who’s been
naughty and who’s been nice.

To simplify matters, let’s
say that all those who have
been good this year will
rainbow
striped candy canes, and all
those who have been bad will
be rewarded with drearily
unfabulous lumps of coal.

Let’s start right here in
Vermont (which has earned a
gold star on Santa’s world
map) with the newly re-elected
Governor Howard Dean,
known as Ho-H0 by some,
appropriately for the season.
Governor Dean’s been a fence-
straddler this year, tipping on
the naughty side of the fence
with his remark about same-

sex marriage _making_ him,
'i'mcomfdrtable—, “the“"same as

everybody else.” (Funny, a lot
of us merrier elves aren’t the
least uncomfortable about the
idea.) Then there was the clos-
eted bill signing, the nonsense
about civil unions not really
being historic. Santa can spot
political hot air all the way
from the North Pole, and
there’ve been thicker clouds

than usual hanging over
Montpelier since last
December. So, a neatly

wrapped lump of coal for the

Governor, but a big candy cane

for standing up for human
rights when the chips were
down.

A big candy cane, too, for
Representative Nancy Sheltra,
to be shared with brave crusad-
er Randall Terry, who——during
his residence in Vermont—
donned surprisingly gay appar-
el. (We elves spotted him in a
darling fedora!) What?! A
candy cane for the wicked
wandering opportunist and for
.Derby’s Satan in a dress? Has
Santa been nipping at the
eggnog? More candy canes for
Dr. Laura, whose TV show will
be coal dust before long. And
for sign-napping Addison
County senator Tom Bahre,
who “compares the civil
unions situation to dynamiting
a beaver dam.” Let’s just say
there are some people who are
so naughty (i.e. ignorant) they
ultimately lead to good.

Perverse but true. Trust the big
man on this one.

Not quite in that category
yet are the mysteriously named
organizations that spring up
like poison holly whenever it
seems gay people might get

 ,treate.di. »,l_ike,_ .i,e.qual. . citizens:

GPS, TIP, Who*”Woul‘d Have
Thought, For the Children,
Vermonters Taking a Stand, the
misnomers go on. A lump of
coal for each lie they’ve told in
the past year. Extra sleighs will
be required. For insurance
salesman/self-appointed gay
expert Mr. Stephen Cable, let’s
toss in a special Magic 8-Ball
of coal containing all the ratio-
nal questions he’s afraid to
allow at his “informational”
forums on homosexuality.
Load up the candy canes for
all Vermont supporters of gay
marriage. Bonus candy canes
for supporters who happen to

be straight, and double bonus
for supporters who are both
straight and Republican.
Special - consolation candy

canes, cheers, and hugs for all

those who voted their con-
science and were voted out of
office-as a result. The bigots
may‘ have remembered this
November, but your goodness
should be remembered for

many Novembers to come. A,

personally delivered candy
cane to one of the unfairly
defeated, Representative
Marion Milne, who, without
doubt, is the rockingest
Republican grandmother south
of the North Pole.

Candy canes and fa-la-la-la-
la honorary gay pins for the
straight guys who, against all
odds, get it. This would include

Qlf? 1.3335 “ii

 

  

photo: Barb Dozetos

, g . .
Randall Terry gets a lump of coal.

 

December 2000 | Out in the Mountains |9

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