- -._, .¢,.-............ . 10 | Out in the Mountains |September 2000 =, opinion :- VOICES FROM THE MOUNTAINS by Euan Bear NOT a Wedding! Here’s what we keep telling our friends and family: “This is NOT a wedding! Dress casual! Wear sneakers! No gifts!” We call it a civil union celebration. But somehow, I’m not sure anyone believes us. After all, there was the clas- sic wedding planner’s night- mare around the date: the dyke couple who are our -nearest queer neighbors, whom we’ve known for 15 years — and who are responsible for the two of us deciding to live together and buying a house in this town — can’t come on the date we picked, even withsix weeks’ notice. The justice of the peace can’t come on the alternate date. Three panicked calls to an alternate JP later, and I find out that the couple can’t come on the alternate date because they’re going to a (hetero) fam- ily wedding. Back to the origi- nal date, the original JP, with just minor grumbles over being - lectured by our friend about the sacredness of commitments and how most people schedule their weddings a year in advance. It’s NOT a wedding! But we’re having the event catered. We booked a legal shaman (a.k.a. justice of the peace), who gets such a kick out of get- ting to say “by the power vest- ed in me by the State of Vermont, I hereby certify your civil union” that he’s not even charging us a fee. We’re busy shoveling 14 years of accumu- lated detritus out of our house _ (nothing like guests to moti- vate a dyke into cleaning up).- We’ve invited our families of origin. We’re sayingheartfelt words, exchanging rings, and R having food and schmoozing at the party ‘afterwards. Then there’s the weather to worry about (rent a tent? where would we put it?), the rented tables, borrowed chairs, the flowers, the ice, the balloons, the favors, where to park all those cars. Not to mention what the hell am I going to wear? . ~\h day trips to the lake and har- vesting tomatoes from the gar- den to make soup for the freez- er (Mary’s mom’s farm recipe starts: “take half a bushel of tomatoes.”). It’s NOT a wedding! But just like het couples, we strug- gled to pare down our wide- open 104-adults-14-kids-six- We booked a legal shaman, who gets such a kick out of getting to say ”by the power vested in me by the State of Vermont, I hereby certify your civil union” that he’s not even charging us a fee. It’s NOT a wedding! But we’ve been having this discus- sion over appropriate symbols. I want to hang a five-foot pink triangle behind where we’ll stand for the legal blessing. To me, it means there’s no mistak- ing this for any kind of het wedding. It means visibility as a dyke. To my partner, it’s a symbol of annihilation, and who would want that at a wed- ding? She wants a rainbow flag. Not a strong enough state- ment for me. I don’t yet know how we’ll work it out, but I know that we will. It’s NOT a wedding! There are no moms fussing, fretting and changing arrangements. Hers is not in good enough health to fly out here and mine died 12 years ago. . We’re putting on this shindig our- selves — and paying the bills. There’s no “honeymoon,” maybe a little vacation time in Jacqueline Marino REALTOR Senior Associate “Out" and Serving Prudential. Realty Mart lZ0 Kimball Ave. Suite 110 So. Burlington, VT 05403 802-846-5637 Direct Line 800-488-5609 x237 Toll Free jackie@together.net Our Community Since 1989 Selling, Buyer Representation and Relocation Specialist dogs guest list to a mere 54 invitees, with 41 confirmed. Whew — we were going for 40. Ten of those are family mem- bers (yeah, right, not a wed- ding). There has been pain in figuring out whom to invite, who would receive announce- ments, and who would get emails. I’ve already heard from a few people whose feelings ‘ ple. We never wanted to get are hurt because they didn’t get asked. Some folks didn’t get invited because the list was already longer than my partner wanted, and because there were already more straight folk than queers on the list. Which brings up an interest- ing point: more straight friends and family than dyke friends have made commitments to come or expressed delight and congratulations about our hav- ing a civil union celebration. Except that our dyke friends who have already had their own commitment ceremonies predating the Baker ruling are pretty enthusiastic. I suspect it’s because this state-certified coupledom thing (whatever it’s called, and even if it’s NOT a wedding) is part of het culture. It’s validating for them that we want to join them. And they’re glad to see us gain the rights we deserve as a couple, if we choose. It’s NOT a wedding! _Mary and I have been together 20 years without the state’s know- ing anything about us as a cou- married. A few years ago, we thought about having a cere- mony of some kind and decid- ed that we’d only do it if it meant something legally. Well, the Supreme Court, all- unknowing, called our bluff. By the time this hits print, we’ll be civilly united and reg- istered with the state. It’s NOT a wedding, honest- ly! It has been difficult to find a balance between appropriat- ing enough wedding symbols to validate our relationship in the eyes of our families, and not getting sucked in to all the het hoopla while celebrating our relationship with each other and with our friends. It’s NOT a wedding, just a way to access rights and benefits, become visible, and honor the labor of all those who worked so hard to make this process real. It changes nothing essen- tial about us as partners. It’s NOT a wedding — it’s our CIVIL UNION CELEBRA- TION! Euan Bear Bakersfield, VT. 7 lives in Bill Oesautels “ta” 0% Serving the real estate needs of our community 45 Roosevelt Highway Rt. 7 Colchester, Vermont 05446 Office: 802-655-3333 X17 Toll Free: 800-639-4520 X17 E-Mail: bil1yvt@aol.com North Professionals 0 Each Office Independently Owned and Operated Condoguy.com Sarah Harrington, a realtor dedicated to our community!) 0 Mountain Pride Media - Board Member ’99, ‘O0 - Pride Committee - Silent Auction ’98, ’99, ’O0 0 Rainbow Business Association - President ’98 Call Sarah if you ’re buying or selling your home. My North Professionals bm1rnu Irutxauinhfly Una! xu|l yuan 553 Roosevelt Highway, Colchester. VT 05446 655-3333 X30